This page provides the details of Crit Juice, Episode 13, which was recorded as part of session four. This session featured special guest Ryan Gaul. Edit it to add any details you think are missing.

Listen to Episode 13

Drinking Gods Rules

In addition to the Golden Rules, the following applied to this episode:

  • "Pouring one out for the homies. Whenever a player (sic) falls to zero hit points, everyone else must drink." Submitted by @doublegxG



  • "Best out of game reference to in-game mechanics" Unlocked by Matt Buchholtz for "brutal two." Reward: "Feet don't fail me now!" gain an extra move action on your turn.


Crit Deck Cards

  • Pulled by Matt B. Your stroke is so beautiful, so perfectly timed, so incredibly sublime, that you are stuck by your own awesomeness and receive a visit from the Boner fairy. Not only do you deal maximum damage but your opponent is so Gob smacked by your visibility engorged state that in shock they drop their weapon they are holding. Submitted by @dunksbailey
  • Pulled by Matt B. You give your enemy a forceful kick sending him through a support beam. As he begins to get up your eyes meet, you say ‘Jenga motherfucker’ as the section of roof collapses ontop of him. Deal 2d8 ‘one-liner’ damage. Submitted by Kevin B.

Crit Fail Cards

  • Pulled by Brian. As you rush towards your foe, a strange man wearing red with a mustache leaps out of a nearby pipe, and throws a Banana peel in front of you. You slip and crash your face. Take 5 damage and remain prone. Submitted by The Jolly Barbarian.

Pop or Culture References

  • Gogurt - another kid snack from Daniel Acker - tubes of runny yogurt
  • Greyhawk - Gary Gygax's campaign setting, the default setting for AD&D
  • Dark Sun - a campaign setting for AD&D2, sort of a fantasy RPG version of The Road Warrior
  • Tom Hardy - actor who gained a huge amount of muscle mass to play Bane in "The Dark Knight Rises"
  • Edward Norton - actor who gained a huge amount of muscle mass to play Derek Vinyard in "American History X"
  • "Light up the eyes, boys!" - a quote from "3 Ninjas," a children's movie from 1992
  • “Zangief” style belly flop – a character from Street Fighter 2, a video game
  • “Wolf is a member of Peta” - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals organization
  • The Great Gazoo – from the Flintstones cartoon 1965.
  • DuckTales podcast – a Cartoon from 1990


The session began with the cast recalling highlights from the live play event. Introducing Ryan Gaul, who is part of the Groundlings and commercials. Then they also talked about their sponsor, Magic Hat.

They start back in the Vault of the Lucky Loot Casino. The vault door swings closed, standing in front of it is a tough looking black scaled Dragonborn, covered in Scars similar to Gub. Over his face is a full Gladiator-like mask. The Tom Hardy ripped Dragonborn greets Gub. Gub calls him the ‘Ugly faced pussy man, Tormod’. Tormod says he will enjoy cutting out Gub organs for his father. Gub let’s everyone know he use to be the right hand man for Azmar and that Tormod took over after his left, ‘He is half the dick that I have’ which is around 1 inch but very thick – a tuna can of size.

Gralford finally wakes up after his life day of mediation just as Tormod springs into attack to Gub. Two of the gold-plated statues start to move out the wall, large animated constructs. Doc visited by the Boner Fairy who pops into existence, a Dark Pixies from the Midnight fire strip club, growing Doc’s Boner. engorged and pumped Doc hits Tormod with a massively causing Tormod to drop his weapon, and stopping him from striking Gub. Dar’Jjeeki launch thunderslam against Tormod, pushing him back towards the guards. Arience targets thunder and howling wind at Tormod, ongoing vibrations continue to go through him.

Gub berserker charges Tormod, blindsiding him, sliding his weapon across the floor. Tormod and Gub exchange insults:

Tormod: I’m going to take you down personally. Gut you. Turn your intestines into rope.

Gub: Butt sniffer of Azmar the Ashmaker, by the end of this encounter, I’m going to shove that Halloween mask up your dick.

The two golem’s come charging forward, the first does a flying massive belly flop. Missing Dar’Jjeeki, and getting Chase, harming and grabbing chase. The other Golem attacks Doc and Gralford pinning them to the ground.

Princess Camelia, reveals she is scared to Dar’Jjeeki and doesn’t like Doc to no ones surprise.

Wolf attacks the golem holding Chase, Chase tries to break free unsuccessfully. Gralford attacked golem holding him but is unsuccessful and continues to take heat damage pinned between the stone of the vault and the heat generating from golem. Doc tries to wiggle out under the golem but stays pinned, he takes another action his boner lifts the construct to get himself out.

Tormod hits Gub, twisting the sword in his stomach. Tormod using his blazestone boxing skills shifting to go in for the kidneys misses. Dar’Jjeeki pounds his staff on the ground casting a distortion of reality on the golem holding chase, just as a shape in the corner starts to make a distorted noise like a Halloween ghost.

Arience pushes a shock wave from his hands to the golems and Tormod. Pushing all the enemies back releasing chase and it starts to rain gold colds. Gub berserker charges Tormod missing, skidding to a halt, a controlled charge. Gub takes another action, Dar’Jjeeki uses seed of chaos yelling ‘Make it count!’ at Gub. Poised Gub turns and slices down Tormod, popping his lung, making him bloodied.
The first Construct, charges wolf, hitting him hard. Gralford, doesn’t know if he is awake or this is a weird dream. The other construct attack Arience, getting hit by Doc, and Chase, LP takes the hit on the way. LP dies, all drinks in his honor. Doc in honor of LP’s death the faithful Dol Dorn follower Doc attempts to attack but misses. The first Construct, also charges Arience, Gralford misses his attack of opportunity. Wolf shoots an arrow hitting the Construct. Dar’Jjeeki pokes his staff hitting the construct on his way through for the Golem construct slams Arience into the wall.

Wolf, steps towards Tormod, leashing two arrows, Tormod swats them away, telling Gub to get the children out of here. Gub tells Tormod that the Children are the future. Wolf takes another action, grabs two more arrows and misses again.

Gralford takes a step to the constructs drawing his sword there is a lightning crackle as he aims at both Construct with a lightning burst, hitting one, lava flowing from the wound.

Doc unleashes Dol Dorn’s Strike of Judgement a symbol of a silver dragon comes forth and Doc declares Tormod to be a ‘Dick’. Tormod seems unaffected. Tormod continues to attack Gub with another brutal cut across his lower abdomen. The Machine in the corner continues to create a ‘crazy sound’ in the background shaking more of the dropping gold coins as the land on the ground.

Arience magically attacks the constructs, and pushing one of the construct into the princess, bluffing the Princess, that it was on purpose so she can use her sword. Gub confirms that this is a duel with Tormod, and continues to attack with a very basic attack missing. The Construct swings and misses Dar’Jjeeki. Everyone is missing, until Doc completes a righteous brand on the closer construct. Doc gives the construct a forceful kick sending him through a support beam. As it begins to get up their eyes meet, Doc says ‘Jenga motherfucker’ as the section of roof collapses ontop of it, dealing more damage.

The Princess inspireed reaches for her sword and says, “Berserker Slash!’ to Dar’Jjeeki’s cheers, heaving the sword, swings it wildly in a spin, misses continues to spin around until she unleashes it, flies into the construct. Dar’Jjeeki yells ‘That was GREAT!’. The Machine continues shaking the floor making it difficult for the group to move and fight. Tormod misses Gub, shaking his head and becoming more focus. Dar’Jjeeki launches an energy strobe at the construct in front of him blasting it with fire damage. Arience continues to push the heavy constructs back with his magic. Dar’Jjeeki is smashed by the Construct that he just hit, Gralford assisting him to take less.

The other Construct engaged in the pushing battle with Arience runs past Gub, taking a massive swipe, losing a big chunk of the side of it’s body, continues past slamming into Arience, pinning him against the wall. Wolf continues to shoot at Tormod but Tormod easily dodges his shots. Gralford lightnining lures the construct near Dar’Jjeeki and the Princess, to him. Doc charges the construct on Arience, running up and misses. Tormod slashes Gub and misses. Dar’Jjeeki with lightning energy tears into Construct that was just pulled away, destroying it, starts to celebrate with the Princess. Arience’s Princely presence glows over the Construct attacking him damaging and pushing him back away from him.

Gub continues to attack Tormod with his Great sword, he attempts to parry, Gub’s sword slips under his swing, stabbing it into his body. The remaining Construct charges Arience again running past Gub, who swipes at it again with his sword, damaging the construct more. Arience braces for the impact once more from the Construct.

Wolf frustrated at missing take a step back and aims at Tormod again, missing horribly, at the same time, a strange man wearing red with a mustache leaps out of a nearby pipe, and throws a Banana peel in front of Wolf. He slips and crashes his face, leaving him prone on the ground. Gralford attempts to lightning lure the Construct missing him as lightning shoots out. He rushes back behind the Construct who swings and misses him. Even though Gub is hurt, Doc refuses to attack Tormod, because it is a duel for Gub to handle.

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