Details for Crit Juice episode 3.




  • The Last Hope is the Nike swoosh
  • Matt Buchholtz, gourmand
  • Special guests (Emeril Lagasse)
  • Riding the Princess hard - any time the party rides mounts anywhere, someone jokes that they're riding the Princess hard. ("The Princess is all tuckered out")
  • Gralford is not a dwarf ("If you want to lose your testicles, you can try it, bearded elf!")
  • Doc's respect ("Doc is rapidly losing respect for…")
  • Gub's dangerous life ("I had my dick bitten off - ALMOST - a lotta fuckin' times")
  • "You can always get combat advantage with your dick out"
  • Gub's courtship
  • "You know he's a rabbit, right?"

Pop Culture References

  • Jewel ("Their hands are our hands") - musician
  • Nike - athletic shoe company; logo is a very simple line.
  • Emeril Lagasse (TV chef)
  • Ace Ventura 2 (movie)
  • Super Mario Bros. 2 (video game)
  • Phi Beta Kappa (the oldest fraternity in the world, though it was probably intended to refer to a sorority)
  • Shankill Butchers (a group of Irish gangsters who went around murdering Catholics in the 70s. Also a Decemberists song)
  • "Banana Split for My Baby" (Louis Prima song)
  • Nick Lachey (a pop singer, former member of the band 98 degrees)
  • MySpace (a social web site that was big before Facebook; originally geared for promoting musicians)
  • Easter Eggs (a holiday tradition of hiding eggs on Easter; also has come to refer to hidden content on a DVD or web site)
  • "Girls Gone Wild" (an old series of light-porn videos in which drunk college girls were paid to strip, dance and make out)
  • "Swingers" (a movie with Vince Vaughan)

Listen to this Episode: Episode 3

SCENE: Joining the Red Cloaks
The party doesn't interact with the other Red Cloak freaks - the armored troll, the beautiful girl on the unicorn, the halfling, the elf, the drow, the duergar (which nobody can pronounce) - but Il Muir demands to see everyone's hands, to make sure that no one with the demon taint will escape. Gralford bristles at this. Dar'Jjeeki bluffs Il Muir into believing that Camellia also has the mark of the Last Hope (Dar'Jjeeki fails the bluff check, but Matt Cook then succeeds in bluffing the DM). Il Muir explains that if anyone without the mark of the Last Hope escaped, there would be dire demonic consequences. He gives each party member a stiff red cloak dyed in the blood of demons and guides them north to Gallows, the City of Assassins. Doc talks about horse meat, Camellia agrees to accompany the party, and they leave the three survivors of Mariposa - Halvek, the peasant woman, and her baby - in the capable and bloody care of the Red Cloaks.

SCENE: On the way to Gallows
The Princess, unable to resist the incredible handsomeness of Dar'Jjeeki, chooses to ride with him on the journey to Gallows, and he gains another Princess Point during the 2-day ride to Gallows. As they approach, they meet an indigent dragonborn, who Wolf immediately distrusts: Dovana in disguise. Gub still has strong feelings for Dovana. She insults everyone and explains to Gub that Azmar has put a price on Gub's head. She directs them to a beldame who was part of the Veiled Eye and might be able to help the group decode King Godfrey's journal. Dar'Jjeeki makes some cryptic blue jokes at Dovana's expense and she calls him retarded. She's clearly good at making friends.

SCENE: The beldame's house
Dovana gives them two tips when dealing with the beldame: accept whatever refreshments the beldame gives them, and don't do anything to annoy Queenie, the beldame's pet. Dovana, Gralford and Wolf (Wolf both refuses to have anything to do with the Veiled Eye and doesn't trust Dovana without a guard) remain outside, while the Princess, Arience, Dar'Jjeeki, Doc, and Gub go in to get the King's journal decoded. The beldame is ancient, and her tiny house is claustrophobic with a vast collection of death and torture devices. She invites them to sit and offers them poisonous tea as a dire rat that has been shaved like a poodle runs out, squeaking shrilly, and proceeds to bite various party members. They all drink their tea; the Princess, Doc, and Gub are overwhelmed and pass out. Arience exchanges pleasantries with the beldame; Dar'Jjeeki flirts with her (the Princess wakes up long enough to give them both dirty looks before passing out again). The beldame immediately offers to look up her Veiled Eye code book, but it is in the pile under the iron maiden. Dar'Jjeeki drops the Princess to leap across the room and catches the iron maiden as it topples. The beldame goes to grab another book, this one under a loaded and straining ballista. Arience uses prestidigitation to burn the bowstring, also saving everyone's lives. The beldame obligingly looks up the codes and translates the journal entry, which indicates that he was to meet the Veiled Eye at the Snooty Fox today here in Gallows. Arience gets a thermos ("It was Herman's thermos: my husband. I don't know where he went.") full of her death tea. Then they leave the beldame's house.

SCENE: The Snooty Fox
Arience gives the Princess the thermos, which charms her enough to gain him another Princess Point. Wolf, meanwhile, has vanished (he used his armor's power to turn invisible), and he scares everyone by whispering in their ears. Gub tells many stories about Dovana's rescuing him from having his dick bitten off again and again, and Dovana returns the Clockwork Bomb to Gub. Dovana explains about the Snooty Fox, and Gub sweet-talks her. They enter the bar, see the barman at the bar, and the Shankill Butchers drinking at one table. The Shankill Butchers engage in a drinking game (as do they players) to see if they can trust the Adventurers with information about Prince Ezra and the Veiled Eye. Arience's eyes inexplicably flash blue for the first time. The party struggles to best them in drinking, with but the Princess downs hers immediately, strips off her bodice, starts to yank others' drinks while topless, and then goes to accost the bartender. This terrifies everyone, and the Shankill Butchers quickly spill the beans about the location of the Veiled Eye headquarters so that the Adventurers will leave with the Princess before the barkeep decides that he doesn't like her drunken antics and thus slaughters everyone.

SCENE: Assault on the Veiled Eye HQ
Dovana leads them to the blast furnace that conceals the entrance to the Veiled Eye HQ. Dar'Jjeeki disarms the trap so that the group can slide down the chute into the HQ. Dovana stays back to watch the Princess, and Gub takes a moment to attempt to confess his love for his old partner, ending with his licking her face and Dovana hitting him as hard as she can. Arience tries to talk to the Princess, but she's thrown up on herself and is passed out.

Previous episode: Episode 2 | Next episode: Episode 4
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