The details of Crit Juice, Episode 4, the last part of recording session 1.

Drinking Gods Rules

  • unlucky 4s
  • finish your drink when any PC drops to 0 HP


  • "Eleven (two 1s in a row)": Two consecutive crit fails. Reward: "Let's see that one again!" Regain the use of one encounter power you've already used. Rolled by Gary.
  • "Geronimo!": Take 3d10 or more damage in a fall. Reward: "Feet, don't fail me now" Gain an extra move action on your turn. Rolled by Gary.
  • "Pushy": Push an enemy over the edge 3 or more times in a single encounter. Reward: Get a free basic attack on your turn. Rolled by Tom.

Crit Deck Cards

  • "You pull out an old VHS copy of the acclaimed superhero movie "Batman and Robin" and proceed to watch it together with the enemy. After realizing how bad, boring and long the movie is (about 15 minutes in), the enemy hurts himself to escape the horror that is "Batman and Robin." The enemy takes 2d6 extra damage. Rolled by Matt Buchholtz. Submitted by @grbinder.
  • "Your deity (the Raven Queen) is on her morning run and she notices your crit. She gives you a high five; gain +1 to attacks until the end of your next turn." Rolled by Brian. Submitted by Ryan S.

Crit Fail Cards

  • "Natalie Portman steps in front of you. 'I love…' is all she's able to say before the attack you were aiming at your foe obliterates her. She will now never be yours. There is now nothing to live for anymore. -2 to all defenses until the end of the encounter." Rolled by Gary while on the scaffolding. Submitted by ??
  • "You feel a tickle at your foot. You glimpse down to see a small spider crawl up your pants leg. Thinking nothing of it, you continue your attack. Roll 1d6. Evens? It gets crushed in your pants leg; deal half damage. Odds? It bites you, you fall prone. Nat 1? It crawls into your urethra and lays a billion eggs. You are dazed for three rounds while they hatch." Submitted by Seth O. Rolled by Gary.



  • Clay Aiken's "Invisible" - Gary quotes this for the first time (it isn't the last)
  • Wolf's Quarry - Brian just can't figure out how to
  • Masic Belee - Daniel commits this spoonerism. It's amazing that it doesn't happen more often.
  • Gary is handsome - "According to society!" and "I'm still terrific looking"
  • Wolf's wolf is Chase
  • Rage boner - apparently anything can set off these guys' dicks.
  • "This episode brought to you by <blank>" ("Doesn't make sense")
  • Daniel voicing bad guys ("No! Why is this happening?")
  • Gralford is an elf
  • "Loot that body"

Pop/Culture references

  • Hamantaschen - tricorner cookies prepared by Ashkenazi during Purim
  • "Invisible" - a song by pop artist Clay Aiken
  • Staples commercial - an office supply store in the United States, with an advertising campaign involving a big red button that the customers press
  • "Go to the Narrows" - a section of Gotham City in the film "Batman Begins"
  • "Hi, kids, we're home early!" - commercials for the "Talkboy," a consumer electronics device, featured a kid pranking his teenaged brother with this recording. Maybe also used in the film "Home Alone 2?"
  • "Who's That Lady?" - 1973 song by the Isley Brothers
  • "Bowser's Castle" - a location in the "Super Mario Bros." video game
  • "I was born with a rage boner!" - Hermione, speaking to Snape in the YA novel "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" (well, no, not really)
  • Natalie Portman - American actor known for many film roles, appearing in such films as "The Professional," the "Star Wars" prequels, and "Garden State."
  • "Die Hard with a Vengeance" - the action film most ridiculed for preposterous action sequences in a series of action films known for outrageous action sequences
  • Jesse Pinkman - the meth-addled protagonist of the TV show "Breaking Bad"
  • Neo in "The Matrix" - the Chosen One protagonist of "The Matrix" series of SF movies, able to move at such super speed that everything else seems to move in slo-mo
  • Tim Riggins - a character in the TV show "Friday Night Lights"
  • Peter Dinklage - an American actor known for many film and TV roles, appearing in such films/shows as "Elf," "Game of Thrones," and "The Station Agent"
  • Pixie from the X-Men - Megan Gwynn, a magic-wielding mutant from the Marvel comic book property "X-Men"
  • Jumbo's Clown Room - a burlesque club in Los Angeles
  • "American Gladiators" - an American TV game show in which contestants compete in various ridiculous physical challenges and ludicrous obstacle courses.
  • "Major Payne" - an American comedy film starring Damon Wayans.
  • "Batman and Robin" - one of the worst movies ever made. Seriously.
  • Heath Ledger - Australian actor acclaimed for many film roles, appearing in such films as "10 Things I Hate About You," "Brokeback Mountain," and "The Dark Knight"

The Adventurers drop through the chute into the Veiled Eye HQ under the blast furnace. The Veiled Eye cultists, wearing leather cloaks and tricorn hats, pepper the party with arrows. Gub skewers a cultist, hot blood splashes on his arms, and he thinks momentarily of Dovana. The party searches the rooms and finds pentagrams, dead bodies, torture devices, and alchemical devices (which amounts to a lot of loot: vials of poison, lockburst chalk, thunderstones, drowsy dust, and a poison gas cannister). Also, illicit drugs have been packed into the sarcophagi. The party descends the stairs with Gralford and Gub in the lead, down and down and down, finally emerging above a hidden wharf where a laden ship bearing drug-filled sarcophagi and Prince Ezra is pulling away from the dock. Gub begins to charge out on the scaffolds high above the wharf in order to attack the Veiled Eye commanders there. Hit by multiple arrows, Gub still manages to toss three different people off of the scaffolding. Gralford attempts to follow suit, but instead kills Natalie Portman. Doc shows him how it's done, by chucking another off the beams. Wolf slinks around, still invisible. The Veiled Eye assassins attempt to shove Gralford off of the beams, but he stolidly refuses. Arience plugs some more with magic missiles.

Dar'Jjeeki transforms into rabbit shape, runs down the scaffolding, leaps from the end of the beams, catches the hook of a loading crane ("Get Out of There!") and swings gracefully down to the deck of the ship ("Excuse me: the boat has a new Captain."). He sees the ship's captain, and, further away, Ezra talking to a dark pixie. Dar'Jjeeki blasts the ship's captain to death, and the ship's wheel spins wildly, slamming the ship into the dock. Sarcophagi fall and break open, spilling vials of drugs and poison across the deck.

Having killed Natalie Portman, Gralford tries to attack again, but a little spider crawling up his pants leg bites him and he falls…down…onto his head. Wolf jumps onto the winch hook, then drops from there to the ground, landing on his back, invisible next to the comatose dwarf. He finally turns visible by firing (and missing) at Prince Ezra. The dark pixie summons two demons which attack Dar'Jjeeki and Wolf with scythes of darkness. Ezra summons the demonic energy of the crystal key and invokes "PAIN!" to trade attacks with Wolf. Dar'Jjeeki turns into his hybrid form for the first time, then casts his chromatic orb at Ezra, freezing Ezra in place. Gub, far above, intimidates another cultist into falling off the beams.

Gralford runs and jumps onto the ship, throwing lightning arcing from his sword to wrap around the dark pixie and slamming her into the deck. Doc leaps up onto the ship next to the dark pixie, who stabs him with her tiny weapons, just before Doc blasts her with the light of Dol Dorn. Wolf pins the dark pixie with two arrows. Dar'Jjeeki and Wolf are blasted by hot ashes, and curses the moment Wolf was born. Ezra starts to pound Dar'Jjeeki with hellfire, but Doc whips out a VCR and VHS cassette of "Batman and Robin," which they proceed to watch in a horrible game of schlock chicken until Ezra gouges his own face to escape. Ezra pulls Dar'Jjeeki's life force to heal the physical and emotional wounds inflicted by simple exposure to the Schumacher abomination. Arience runs and swan dives onto the deck of the ship, followed by Gub - both slam down, prone. Gralford hammers the pixie and one of the demons while powering up. Doc heals Wolf, Gub and Dar'Jjeeki and begins to regenerate his own wounds. Wolf continues to perforate the pixie and she continues to scorch him with demonic flames.

The ship drifts into a branch of the river that ends with a waterfall. Gub struggles to his feet and is cruelly cut down by one of the demons. Doc roars with rage and kills the dark pixie, and the demons vanish. Gralford rushes Prince Ezra and beats him like an anvil. Doc heals Gub. The Raven Queen, out on her morning jog, sees Wolf's righteous attack and gives him a thunderous high-five after he kills Ezra. The Adventurers struggle to their feet and loot the bodies of magic items. On Ezra's person, they also find a ledger involving all the transactions with the Veiled Eye. Then they leap overboard and swim to shore just as the ship topples over the waterfall. They climb to the surface and read that the shipment was one of several sent on to Blazestone. The characters attain level five.

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