The details of Crit Juice Episode 5, the first recording of Session Two.

Listen to this episode: Episode 5

Recording session two is the first time Crit Juice had a beverage sponsor: Rock Bottom Brewery.

Drinking Gods Rules
Daniel rolled a 5 for additional drinking god rules. Here's what they drew:

  • Drink every milestone (every two encounters). Submitted by Abby Arcane.
  • Drink whenever you have to consult the rulebook. Submitted by Thomas R.
  • Drink whenever the players get lost in a dungeon. Submitted by VindiKShawn.
  • Finish your drink on an extended rest. Submitted by Abby Arcane.
  • Lowest initiative roll takes a drink. Seth R.



  • a river bank to the north of Gallows

Princess Points

  • everyone gains a Princess Point for helping Camellia find (and murder) her brother, Ezra
  • Arience commiserates with Camellia about her dead family (1 point)
  • Arience loses a night of sleep up a tree (1 point).


  • "Pacifist" Miss with every attack in an encounter. Reward: "Just a little more." Add 1 to the result of any d20 roll you make. Unlocked by Gralford.

Crit Deck Cards

  • "You splash your foe in the face with water from a stagnant pool. Some of the water gets in their mouth and they're instantly struck with amoebic dysentery. The enemy is dazed, save ends." Submitted by Gina J. Rolled by Doc, fighting the sand worm.

Crit Fail Cards

  • "Oh no! You called upon a trusted psychic, but 'Honey Boo-Boo Child' shows up instead. You have to take her with you on a leash for the next two rounds and feed her her "'Sketti." Your speed is 2 until she's gone." Submitted by CoGoPo. Rolled by Wolf.


  • Gub T. Montgomery - The DM makes this joke about Gub's "full" name and the players run with it.
  • North - every time the Adventurers leave for the next location, they must go north to get there.
  • Wolf's trigger-happy - Wolf does a disruptive strike on the sand worm, prompting Matt Cook to warn "Nobody sneeze around Wolf!"
  • In Wolf's Quarry - he still adds that pesky preposition "in."
  • Gub tells the best stories - "You drop into a pool of digestive acid." "It's not the first time…" but the whole story is lost, because no one can hear him inside the worm.
  • Gub and Giant Bats - Gub tells a story of how he fought a giant bat, which apparently inspires America's DM to bring giant bat after giant bat after giant bat against the party in the future.
  • "That's how Gary got his wife pregnant" - The perfect response to nearly any statement. Try it. Go ahead, we'll wait. See? Isn't that amazing?
  • racial slur for a worm man - Brian says "I'm going to twin strike these…assholes…" to which Daniel responds "Oh god, I thought he was going to say a racial slur!" and the riff began. Poor Brian keeps trying to finish his turn, but even the DM joins in.
  • "Welcome to the <blank> podcast!" - The Simpsons, The Skulls, Jewel
  • "We're all from different places." Apropos of nothing, Daniel launches into a dissertation on the varied origins of all the Crit Juice players; they're all from different states.
  • "Let them come!" - Emperor Palpatine from "Return of the Jedi"
  • "BIRDS!" - Dar'Jjeeki has a horrible fear of raptors.

Pop/Culture References

  • Pierce Brosnan - a British actor known for TV and film roles, appearing in such films as "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King," "Tomorrow Never Dies," and "The Tailor of Panama"
  • Guy Pearce - an Australian actor known for TV and film roles, appearing in such films as "L.A. Confidential," "Memento," and "The Time Machine"
  • Oregon Trail - an early computer game that was used in many US primary school classrooms to augment history lessons about manifest destiny and the settling of the Western United States. In nearly every play=through of the game, large numbers of settlers would die of amoebic dysentery…sometimes all of them.
  • "The Bachelor" - American reality TV show where women with low self-esteem compete to be 'chosen' by some rich ne'er-do-well.
  • Burrow/Borough - The city of New York is divided into five sections called "Boroughs:" Manhattan, Queens, The Bronx, Brooklyn, and Staten Island. The word Borough sounds nearly identical to "burrow."
  • Earthworm Jim - a Sega Genesis platformer video game involving an Earthworm in a mecha.
  • Centi Pete - ??
  • "Feed Me, Seymour!" - a quote from the stage/film musical "Little Shop of Horrors." Apparently the sand worm miniature looked a bit like Audrey Jr., the man-eating plant from the play.
  • "Dune" - a SF novel by Frank Herbert, adapted into a film and TV series later, that prominently features sand worms the size of freight trains.
  • "Tremors" - a horror/SF film featuring giant worms the size of cars, "Tremors" is widely lauded as one of the few horror or SF films where the characters (re)act intelligently.
  • 90s sitcom - a period in American TV history when almost every "situation comedy" involved an often-repeated tag line. "Did I do that?" "Don't be ridiculous." "How YOU doin?" "Hello, Newman." are all examples.
  • Water park - amusement parks featuring giant water slides. At the top of a water slide, an attendant helps a person get ready to slide, instructing the person to cross his/her ankles and cross arms over the chest so that no part of the body will get caught on anything while rocketing down the chute.
  • "Jurassic Park" - an American film about recreated dinosaurs in which actor Samuel L. Jackson plays an IT geek whose solution (as it always is with IT guys) is to cycle the power. As he switches off the power to the entire park, he quips "Hold on to your butts!"
  • "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" - American reality TV show about a little Southern girl competing in beauty pageants.
  • JNCO Jeans - denim pants manufacturer in Los Angeles, famous for making the gigantic, over-sized jeans favored by skaters in the 90s.
  • "Dig up, stupid!" - Chief Wiggums, stuck in a hole with Homer Simpson, on the TV show "The Simpsons"
  • River Phoenix - an American film actor. Died young.
  • Yule log DVD - Some people have fireplaces. For everyone else, there's a DVD video recording of a log burning.
  • Michelle Branch - musician who hit it big with self-published music in 2000.
  • Crash Test Dummies - Canadian rock band known for their 1993 song "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

The party dries off on the shore of the river flowing out of Gallows. Looking at the ledger, they discover that the Veiled Eye has been shipping "supplies" to Blazestone for weeks. Dovana and a hungover Princess Camellia arrive. Wolf coldly informs Camellia that they just killed her brother, and Doc and Arience both attempt to soften the blow. As she grieves, worm men assassins sent by Azmar the Ashmaker explode out of the ground and attack as a sand worm swallows Gub whole. Dovana exclaims "Here we go again!" Gub tells a long and interesting story to the worm's stomachs, as no one else can hear him. As the party fights the worm men (who wrap around people's necks to choke when grappling), the sand worm burrows underground. Gralford, Doc and Dar'Jjeeki jump in to follow. Arience drops his sensing eye in the hole so that he doesn't have to, and uses it to curve dope magic missiles out of sight into the sand worm. The worm men ignore Arience and Dovana, instead focusing on Wolf, strangling him. He attempts to use his bow on the worm men wrapped around his neck (!) and instead Honey Boo Boo Child appears and hands him her leash. He feeds her "sketty" for two rounds and then she wanders away again. Doc splatters some microbe-infested water into the sand worm's mouth, then he delivers the killing blow, and then Gub is propelled through the worm's many stomachs and rocket-shitted out of its dead ass via amoebic dysentery. The tunnel collapses on Gralford and seals them all in. Doc heals Gub, and Dar'Jjeeki thunderslams the dirt, exposing Gralford's dwarven ass. The group then have to dig their way out. Arience uses telekinetic grasp to move two shovels-worth of dirt. Everyone else actually digs them out.

Dovana informs them that the quickest way to Blazestone is through a mountain pass to the north (Wolf is skeptical), and so they head north, on their way toward the mountain town of Brennet. Daniel digresses into how everyone is from a different state. Then David raves about the Winter Tartan beer.

The party treks for hours and beds down in a copse of trees. Gralford makes sure to remind Camellia about her dead brother (but he does it in his dwarf voice). Camellia and Arience climb into a tree together. Arience tries to use prestidigitation to create an illusion of comfort, which of course does nothing. Daniel attempts to fast talk his way into that working, and David ever-so-kindly tells him to shut up. Camellia drops to sleep immediately, but Arience groans and writhes in discomfort all night. Arience gains one Princess Point. Camellia and Arience whisper to each other late in the night, but are interrupted by Dar'Jjeeki's nightmare of "BIRDS! BIRDS!"

Gub points out that one of the most renowned taverns in the entire world, "Drink Up, Sucka!," is in Brennet, where he once got so drunk he shit his pants…twice.

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