The details of Crit Juice episode 50.

Drinking Gods Rules
In addition to the four Golden Rules, the following applied to this episode:

  • Matt Buchholtz drinks a shot whenever Gralford does 20 or more damage in an attack
  • "No Fs Given (or: Poor Azmar should have put his armor on): whenever you roll below a 10 on any d20 skill check and still succeed, (take a) drink." Submitted by @JoshtheValiant
  • "Super Gaul Fall: Effective regardless of whether the Gaul Fall is in play, whenever one of your dice falls to the floor, choose another player. That player receives +2 to their next attack, and chooses someone to finish their drink." Submitted by @JoeDoff
  • "Don't Make Me Drink Alone: Whenever Gub drinks from his flask, everyone else must drink with him." Submitted by @paleside.
  • "Freaky Dice Day: drink when you roll a 13 on a d20. Then, select another player whenever you would make a d20 roll; they roll instead, and vice-versa. This effect lasts until the end of the encounter. Submitted by Michael E. Note: Tom rolled a 13 for this in Episode 49, and he chose to switch dice-rolling with Matt Cook.

Characters

Achievements
No Achievements unlocked this episode.

Princess Points
Gralford earned 1 Princess Point by complimenting Camellia's bravery.

Crit Deck Cards

  • "Your amazing prowess and skills allows you to kick off the cheesiest smile at your foe. The smile pings! and a brilliant flash of light reflects off your teeth and temporarily blinds all enemies in the encounter. At the same moment, each of your teammates puts on a hidden pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses to avoid blinding." Submitted by @AlexEating. Rolled by Dar'Jjeeki while splooging ("fitting")

Crit Fail Cards

  • "Time seems to stand still. In a moment of clarity, the image of Absynthe (with a Y) appears, you instantly discover you have a weird fetish for pixies and sport the most uncomfortably large boner. So large, it causes you to miss your attack and fall prone, landing on your Viagra-strength erection. Take 1d10 boner damage." Submitted by @PassionatePhil. Rolled by Doc using his Sacred Armistice ability.
  • "You are mid-swing with your weapon of choice and suddenly trip on a trap door opened by none other than Rick Grimes, looking for Carl. You are dazed and slowed until your next turn. Also take 10 shame damage if you don't watch 'The Walking Dead'" Submitted by @ElizaDanny21. Rolled by Doc during his immediate interrupt during Dar'Jjeeki's turn.

Locations

  • The Summer Isle of Yth, in the Feywild

Jokes

  • Arience is dope-ass
  • Gub tells the best stories
  • the group has trouble with names ("Load-bearing Tortoise," "Steaming Load Tortoise," "Silver Sable," "Silver Fox")
  • Doc the gourmand
  • Dwarf anatomy (they cum pebbles, their dicks are called 'meters')
  • Gub's intimidation checks
  • The DM's sound effects (many, but for example: "Wuh Wuh Wuh Wuh" for the Lodestone Tortoise)
  • Gary's reluctance to perform ("Gary, how does it go?" "Gary, just do it!")

Pop/Culture References

  • Solid Gold - an American TV dance show from the 70s
  • Blues Traveler - an American rock band fronted by singer John Popper. One of their most famous songs is "Hook," which Matt Buchholtz quotes extensively in this episode.
  • They Live - part of the science fiction film canon, an American SF film from 1988 featuring a professional wrestler, sort of the marriage of "The Terminator" and "Army of Darkness"
  • Step By Step - an American TV show from the 90s, essentially a reimagining of "The Brady Bunch," an American TV show from the 70s
  • Dinks - parodies of Jawas appearing in the film "Spaceballs"
  • Eliza Dushku - American actor known for various roles, particularly ones in Joss Whedon TV shows
  • The Walking Dead - a comic book series about stupid people in a zombie apocalypse, later adapted into a TV series and multiple video games
  • Daughtry - a rock band fronted by a bald guy named Chris Daughtry
  • Nasty - a 1986 pop song by Janet Jackson
  • Silver Sable - a Marvel comic book character
  • "and the mood is right…" - cheesy song lyric from far too many songs to even attempt to list
  • 2 Legit 2 Quit - the last big hit song from pop star (M.C.) Hammer, at the start of his weird obsession with Michael Jackson and just before he went bankrupt from trying to buy up most of the East Bay Area
  • Scatman - 1995 song by John Paul Larkin, whose mustache nearly matched Matt Buchholtz's
  • Bucky O'Hare - an anthropomorphic green space rabbit comic book character from the 80s, when everyone was doing anthropomorphic animal comics. Was adapted into an animated TV show and video games in the 90s. One of Bucky's companions is Deadeye Duck.
  • Bunco - a dice gambling game from the 1850s
  • Hakeem Olajuwon - a very successful professional NBA (basketball) player from the mid 80s through the 90s
  • Lewis Carroll - if you don't get this one, look it up.
  • We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart song from 1986.
  • Grease - 70s Broadway musical, later adapted into a film with Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta.
  • Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson pop song from 2014

SUMMARY
Camellia cries out that the insane Kings of the Feywild are killing all the innocents, then goes to attack the Sable Fox. Gralford scurries away from the creatures while still trying to remove the helmet that got jammed onto his head. Doc takes his place, raining down attacks on the Hound of Dol Dorn with his five stars, five strikes ability. But suddenly the image of Absynthe (with a Y!) springs to his mind, and the resulting enormous erection causes him to fall flat on his face.

Outside of the game, Daniel's piece of paper falls and lands upright on its edge. The gang is terrified.

Arience drops a dope-ass sphere of electricity, zaps all the Kings, slides them into a line, then blasts them again, then spews fire from his mouth for even more damage, simultaneously poisoning and burning them. The Sable Fox absorbs all the magic energy and purrs. Gub smacks the Prismatic Hare and tells it a story about buttholes and bubblegum, simultaneously baffling and intimidating it into inaction. The creatures wail on Doc, while the Hound of Dol Dorn howls dark warrior spirits into existence ("the cast of 'Step by Step'"). Dar'Jjeeki splooges all over the Kings of the Feywild, grins and blinds all the enemies and NPCs in the encounter. Doc's sunglasses drop over his eyes and he growls "Dol Dorn with it!" as he blasts the Kings of the Feywild further. The Hound of Dol Dorn drops, and Doc's righteous wrath inspires his teammates and pushes all the enemies still upright three squares away from him. Dar'Jjeeki blast Krugfesh's corpse into fragments. Gralford teleports again, and his sword flies back to his hand, and then slashes the Sable Fox. Doc plunges his hand into the Hound's chest and massages its heart to resuscitate it.

Camellia helps Lana Ley (played by Matt Cook) to her feet. Lana Ley charges the Sable Fox. Arience misses in a dope-ass way. Pete does scat and teleports to flank the Sable Fox, and Gub drops it. Arience fails to electrocute the Lodestone Tortoise in a dope-ass way. Gub intimidates it instead. Dar'Jjeeki mounts the Prismatic Hare and sweet-talks it into submitting to him. The Sable Fox bows to Arience, who promptly mounts it as an equal. Having brought the Hound back to life, Doc chastises it until it literally dissolves in shame (and Doc knows about shame). Doc retrieves the cask that it wore around its neck.

Gralford looks admiringly at Lana Ley, then turns and tells the Princess approvingly "I'm impressed" (earning a Princess Point). Then he saunters over to the Lodestone Tortoise and stares at it solemnly before serenading it with some sweet, sweet 80s tunes. Flower petals start falling and everyone starts dancing. Then Matt Cook and Tom Fonss do their renditions of "Uptown Funk" (which was new during this recording session). Through the magic of dance, everybody except Brian (lost in a tavern dimension) gets a Royal Feywild mount.


Previous episode: Episode 49 | Next episode: Episode 51
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