This page provides detailed information about Crit Juice Episode 52, the last episode from recording session sixteen, played in January 2015.

Listen to Episode 52.


Characters

Drinking Gods Rules
In addition to the four Golden Rules, the following Drinking Gods Rules applied:

  • Matt Buchholtz drinks a shot whenever Gralford does 20 or more damage in an attack
  • "No Fs Given (or: Poor Azmar should have put his armor on): whenever you roll below a 10 on any d20 skill check and still succeed, (take a) drink." Submitted by @JoshtheValiant
  • "Super Gaul Fall: Effective regardless of whether the Gaul Fall is in play, whenever one of your dice falls to the floor, choose another player. That player receives +2 to their next attack, and chooses someone to finish their drink." Submitted by @JoeDoPH
  • "Don't Make Me Drink Alone: Whenever Gub drinks from his flask, everyone else must drink with him." Submitted by @paleside. Everyone drank twice at the start of the session, and then twice again when rolling initiative a few minutes later.
  • "Freaky Dice Day: drink when you roll a 13 on a d20. Then, select another player whenever you would make a d20 roll; they roll instead, and vice-versa. This effect lasts until the end of the encounter. Submitted by Michael E. Note: Tom rolled a 13 right at the start of this session (in Episode 49]), and chose to switch dice-rolling with Matt Cook.

Locations

Crit Fail Deck Cards

  • You feel a pressure building in your lower abdomen, and eventually have no choice but to release what you hope will be a silent fart. You breathe a sigh of relief as the air escapes your sphincter without so much as a squeak. But as you breathe the sigh of relief back in, you smell the most rancid odor. The stench and potential embarrassment of such an affront to the sinuses is so distracting, you and anyone within a 2-square radius, are slowed to half speed for this and the next round. From Nick from Vancouver. Rolled by Gralford.

Jokes

  • All of the DM's dwarves are Scottish
  • Everyone makes fun of Gralford (David chuckles at Gary's initiative score)
  • Tom can't pronounce Washington place names ("Spoke Ain")
  • "John Merlyn" - the proprietor of Merlyn's Comics and Games in Spokane, Washington is named John. The group dubs him John Merlyn in this episode.
  • "Loot that Body"
  • Gralford isn't a real dwarf
  • Dice jiggling cum play
  • Gralford's voice ("at least let her get you some vocal coaching!")
  • "Anvil, Come On!" - The Lodestone Tortoise moves one square per round
  • Know Your Medium - Some people are destined, through their beauty, artistry, or talent, to be movie stars, models, or musicians. Others' fates go in a different direction.

Pop or Culture References

  • "The Fox (What does the fox say?)" - a Norwegian pop song from 2013.
  • "Starring on Broadway" - a street in New York City long associated with musical theater
  • Scatman John - a musician famous for scat songs in the 90s, previously associated with Pete the Phase Drake.
  • "TaleSpin" - an animated TV show created to promote Disney's rerelease of "The Jungle Book" in 1990, in which Kipling's Baloo works in an alternate reality as a cargo aircraft pilot
  • "Move that Body" - 1990 dance song from Technotronic
  • "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" - Walt Disney's first feature film, from 1937.
  • "Do You Even Lift?" - a condescending way to belittle bodybuilders, first used in 2002
  • Lana Del Rey - a pop vocalist
  • Zordon - a two-dimensional light being who mentors the Might Morphin Power Rangers in several TV series that started in the 90s.
  • Maury Povich - a host of American daytime television, known especially for tabloid sensationalism, often engineering confrontations between family members where they "discover" that they are or aren't actually related (whichever would be more shocking).
  • "Superman III" - a feature film from 1983 in which an evil computer's Kryptonite ray causes Superman to turn selfish.
  • "Superman II" - a feature film from 1980 which was originally filmed as part of the 1977 film "Superman." In "Superman II," Superman gives up his super-powers in order to have sex with Lois Lane while Kryptonian villains wreak havoc on Earth.
  • "Superman" - a feature film from 1977 in which Kryptonian mass murderers are trapped in the Phantom Zone and are then released decades later when Superman flings Lex Luthor's nuclear missile into space.
  • Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty - a PS2 video game from 2001.
  • "Batman Forever" - a feature film from 1995, in which Jim Carrey hammed it up as the Riddler.
  • "Sophie's Choice" - a 1979 William Styron novel in which a mother had to choose which of her children would be killed by Nazis. Adapted into a film starring Meryl Streep in 1982.

SUMMARY
Having entered Orrenvale, the party encounters Warrior James. Everyone tries and fails to remember Thunderblood's slogan. As recompense, Prince Arience engages nature sense, boosting everyone's defenses, while riding the Sable Fox into battle with the hideous ogres. He kills two of them. Doc charges up to a cyclops, and is dismayed to see that there are two more of the giants right there with it. The first cyclops dies to his great spear, burbling about "the dragon" as it perishes. Pete the Phase Drake (ridden by Gub) runs up to join Doc, and Gub is also horrified to see that there are more cyclops, though he still breathes fire onto one. They notice that the cyclops that are further back are spell casters, clued in by the fact that the cyclops fling entrails at them to form a giant invisible hand that smashes Doc and lightning bolts that miss Gub. More cyclops, wielding clubs, engage them in hand-to-hand combat, and one attacks Warrior James. Dar'Jjeeki, Camellia clinging to his back, rides the Prismatic Hare up the hill and blasts one of the spell casting cyclops. Gralford teleports behind one of the cyclops and "casts" stinking cloud on himself. Then he uses lightning to yank the cyclops into the cloud and then brutally slashes it with his sword. Arience watches, bemused, as his Sable Fox attempts to bite a bad guy. Doc stabs another cyclops, which then talks some smack to him: "You'll have to do better than that!" In using an action point, Matt Buchholtz almost rolls a Gaul Fall…then almost rolls another Gaul Fall… and then DOES roll a Gaul Fall, which gives Arience a +2 to his next attack, and Daniel has Matt B finish his drink. Doing better than that, Doc impales the cyclops and flings it across the battlefield to Warrior James. Pete tail slams a cyclops, then teleports to flank it with Lana Ley and Gub stabs it with his jagged sword, nonchalantly (and belatedly) taking three swigs from his flask. Gub then proceeds to breathe flame over all the nearby enemies, incinerating a cyclops and an ogre. One of the Stormcaster Cyclops slam the group with another giant force hand. Gralford takes the hit for Lana Ley, and the Sable Fox partially redirects the force wave back to the Stormcaster. The cyclops' eye explodes as it dies. Dar'Jjeeki gives a fremen-like shout of force, which kills the last cyclops. Warrior James bows to Arience, acknowledging him as king in a weird, rambling run-on sentence. He reveals that Warren Deathslayer Bryant's armies have been laying waste to Thunderblood since the party left the Material Plane (it's probably been months or years back there) as Bryant attempts to capture the Bloodstone. While Warrior James was leading a counter-attack, a beam of light shot down from the sky and begins to suck the life from the land. Warrior James jumped right into it. He found himself here, in the ruins of Orrenvale, and he descended the crystal pyramid to start fighting the ogres and cyclops moments before the Adventurers arrived. Lana Ley, her admiration constantly growing for Gralford, expresses her gratitude for his saving her from being hit by the force wave, and pledges her lifelong dedication to protecting the dwarf.

There is then a long digression as Gary illustrates dwarven biology, which disgusts everyone at the table.

The party inspects the crystal pyramid, which appears to be a rift between the Feywild and the Material Plane. A booming voice challenges them as they approach: "Who Approaches the Ward?" accompanied by a flickering two-dimensional image of a humanoid. Arience claims that he has summoned the spirit, and they discuss the merits of "Superman II." "None shall pass without the Dragon's permission!" Arience tries to confuse the spirit with a series of incoherent insults, then the Adventurers engage in a history skill challenge with a very high DC. Arience fails. Gub fails. Dar'Jjeeki and Doc attempt to bluff the DM into letting them use their insight and bluff checks instead of history. It's very long, very entertaining, but mechanically mostly pointless, as history checks were needed (they did assist Arience, though). Arience fails. Then Arience succeeds (using his dice of auspicious fortune ability): "Books!" "Yes, I see you do know something of the dragon; that he comes from before time and after time, of this timeline, not of this timeline!" Arience attempts a history check and succeeds (tally: 3 fails, 2 successes). "I see that you know more of the dragon; that his power is beyond any creature in the Feywild." Arience searches his mind for even more history (with Doc's insight and Dar'Jjeeki's bluffing). "I see you are indeed knowledgeable." The light draws Arience into itself, and he's suspended far above Thunderblood. He understands that the crop blight was caused by the life energy being siphoned off by this pyramid. A giant storm is forming; Arience manages to control and localize the massive energies to redirect the storm to the town of Lordan, knowing that Lordan will be utterly destroyed. As he emerges from the beam of light, a ring of focus falls at Arience's feet. Arience and Warrior James commiserate about the unfortunate souls in Lordan. With that, Warrior James pledges his fealty and service to his king: "I'll stand by your decision, my liege…even if you want me to kill someone in this group…"


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