The first Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Drinking God Rules:
No Drinking God Rules only the 4 Golden Rules to start.

An additional rule was added early on:
Curt Holcin: “Drink whenever the DM says yeah, that didn’t happen in response to a player’s blatant rule-bending”
Wild Magic Rule: "Until the end of the adventure the DM will roll on the wild magic table in the DM’s guide for any roll of 1 or 20 until the end of the adventure."


Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:

We part the veil of reality: We’re not in a well-lit studio drinking beer from crude glass bottles. You’re in Capital City. A beautiful, towering castle (like the Disneyland castle if they did it 10 times bigger and better… and it was medieval) looms omnipresently over the city. You’re standing in a large wide plaza in front of this enormous castle. It rises 100 feet tall to these pointed parapets that are bright blue with multi-colored penants that are flapping from them in the breeze. Up above that, your eyes trace the white clouds in a blue sky. The sun shines overhead and a flock of white birds take off from a parapet.

The sounds of the Royal Fair can be heard not too far away, the Spring Fair, a once a year event has come. There is a maypole on one end of the cobblestone plaza. More of the bright colored pennants hang from ropes that are strung the top along the thoroughfare.

“Get your hot buzz!” “Ale! Buy our sweet ale” says a stout and fat dwarf with four mugs of beer in each hand a leather pouch to take coins hanging from her ample waist. She sloshes her way through the Royal Fair. It is in its third day, and the group has just arrived in town. Wandering minstrels play and bards perform at every corner. Musicians, jugglers, acrobats.

Sollen passes out wooden coins for the Stonescouts to kids and parents, each says “Stonescouts – Chapter opening up.” The Stonescout symbol is a shield that looks like a vagina. No one is paying any attention to him at all but a few people reluctantly take them from him. Next to Sollen is a grey-robed ash covered, shaved head man who is handing out pamphlets “Have you heard about the end of days? The end of days is coming.”

Chancho hunts cheese, of which there is plenty. Currently he is next to a gaunt half-elf who has been a merchant his whole life trying to cajole the crowd to sample his wares. Upon his cart sits a giant wheel of brie. The odours wafting off of it seem heavenly to Chancho.

Chancho is up on the roof of the stall using his rapier to fondu dip brie while the merchant isn’t looking. Agholor is trying to do his best “reverse-bodyguard” duties by distracting the merchant to better allow Chancho to dine on brie.

Zorticus is not far away, but having a little chat and tea party by himself. Sollen looks around for Zorticus but can’t find him anywhere.

Roofer is handing out cards that read “Roofer – Adventurer” quite a ways from Zorticus. An oppressive bank of grey clouds lurks in the distance, making its way slowly towards the Fair. Roofer notices that these clouds are moving against prevailing winds and are not seasonal.

Mack says “All right, Tipsy, you know what to do baby.” Tipsy sticks her pink trunk in the air and Mack begins “Come on, come on big congregation of people, someone’s gotta be holdin’. Where’s that Wizard’s Weed? Come on! Tell me, someone’s gotta be holdin!” Mack is really jonesin’ for something, some sort of illicit substance. With incredible facility Tipsy senses Wizard Weed nearby. She trumpets loudly and barges forward into the crowd.

A ne’er-do-well, hiding out behind a stall is sitting at a table just covered in Wizard Weed. He grumbles “There’s no way I can smoke all a dis….” He has pipes in either hand, “There’s just no way I can get through all of this before the end of the Fair.” He sees Tipsy coming straight at him. “You gotta help me smoke this Wizard Weed, pink pygmy elephant…” Mack replies with “I don’t know who you are, but you gotta be the sexiest man that has ever lived. The ne’er-do-well’s eyes open wide and he says “woaaaahhh”.

Meanwhile Zorticus is having tea with a little girl in an abandoned lot where the weeds grow high. Sollen perks up and hears Zorticus’ high pitched giggle. Lamentably this happens while Sollen is engaged with a prospective Stonescout; the most interested person he’s spoken with all day. Zorticus makes funny Uncle faces at the little girl while giggling while Sollen tries to extricate himself from this engaged soccer mom, “Really? My Grandfather was in the Stonescouts and I have six kids and we’ve been looking for….” Sollen dismisses her with a distracted look and a casual passing of more pamphlets than one person would need “Here, hand these out.” He says to her before seeking Zorticus out.

The attendees of the fair begin to notice the weird weather as almost en masse their heads turn towards the large and looming grey cloud. It seems low, oppressively low. The sun is suddenly behind it, plunging everything into shadow and darkness in the plaza all the way up to the top of the castle.

Suddenly, the vast grey clouds are blown into wisps and fragments blowing out from a radiating circle in the middle where floating citadel upon a giant spur of rock. Twisted black spurs of rock rise up out of a floating mote of earth, like a twisted wizard’s castle flies through the air. The bottom of it nearly scrapes the top of the castle as it makes its way to hang above the plaza.

The hair on the back of the adventurer’s necks prick up as an aura of magic crackles outward from the citadel. Zorticus smiles. Screams erupt from the fairgoers as ropes flip down from the sides and goblins and orcs begin to repel off of it into the plaza below. The citadel floats along, dropping them like fleas deserting a diseased rat. Goblins crash through awnings. Chaos breaks out as orcs and goblins draw swords. A goblin lands near Chancho whose mouth is full of cheese. The goblin sees the cheese and it too begins to eat giant mouthfuls.

Sollen remembers suddenly that the Queen of the Realm of the West Marches is Queen Sophie, the first. She is 9 years old, very popular with the people and often makes public appearances. Duke Draymore, the wealthiest noble in the country is the head of government. With grey hair and apparently 60 years of age, he cuts the very definition of a patriarchal air. Both currently reside in the castle.

At this point, three dozen goblins are streaming through the open gates into the castle. A boom resounds from the citadel as a flowing, wraithlike figure with billowing black shadow emerges from a high parapet onto an external balcony. To those below it is just a tiny figure so high up above, but they can hear its voice echoing with the chilly tones of a tomb. “Get her! Bring her to me!”
Zorticus makes a silly face at the girl and gives her a high five. He says “This has been fun, but I gotta murder now.” He runs off. Sollen, standing next to Zorticus dashes off as well.

Agholor snaps the neck of the goblin stuffing his face with cheese and moves off to do some Goblin Thumping.

Roofer cries out “hut, hut” and two rats fall out of his thatching, going under his feet and he uses them like rollerblades.

Chancho is not a fan of goblins because they would go through his woods a lot and hurt creatures that he cares about. He pulls out Ratfang and his short sword and dives, full throttle, off the top of the tent at the closest goblin. He makes a beautiful Olympic dive and both swords penetrate the brain, splitting the skull in twain of this poor goblin. The impact doesn’t even slow his dive as he passes between the two halves, tucks, rolls, and pops back up squat-legged hissing with his blades swinging wildly.

Mack hears the commotion, and proceeds to make a joint five times the size of a normal joint. He inhales it in one and it seems to return him to an even keel. He turns to the ne’er-do-well and says “Thanks, I needed that.” And he jumps into the fray.

With the entire group’s focus upon the goblins in the plaza, they don’t stand a chance. It is mere moments before there is but a single, dazed goblin stumbling towards the open doors to the palace.
The group makes their way to the entrance following the stream of goblins. To their left is a beautiful side wing of the castle. It is about two or three stories tall with giant glass windows spaced evenly around its perimeter, much like Versailles. They step through giant gilt handled, double glass French doors that are swung open in front of them. Their feet step onto lush purple carpet. Artwork hangs upon the walls. Statues are tucked into alcoves. Further down into the next room portraits of important looking nobles look down upon two giant banquet tables in a massive banquet hall. Huge ceilings stretch up into the distance with a pair of magnificent chandeliers filled with candles that let off a glorious golden light. The light shining through the windows reflects off the mirrors. Food covers the tables and floor. Goblins, with a ravenous hunger have fallen upon the tables and floor gorging upon giant platters of ham, tureens of soup, bowls of salad. Food is strewn everywhere.

Zorticus says “It’s like the scene from a musical.” Agholor opens the door with Chancho riding him. There is a side door that leads off to the right. 6 goblins on top of the banquet tables look up while slick patches of crushed fruit and other vegetable matter and soup present difficulty for the group to move forward.

Mack is a bit behind the group because, as he turns to enter the palace his drug addled wizard weed dealer grabs him by the shoulder and says “Wait a minute man, before you go, you gotta take these, man, before I get in trouble, dude. Take them away magic fairy bro.” He hands Mack a polished wooden case with brass hinges. Mack hustles to catch up to the group and when he opens the case it has a plush red lining holding 6 magic potions. Each potion was in a differently shaped, fanciful bottle, each of the liquids colorfully different. “What’s your name, you beautiful bastard?” Mack called out as he hurried away. “My name, man?” “Yeah, your name. Take your time” Mack replied. “Waitaminit, I don’t even have a name… I’m not even … real” and he blew away into mist and Mack realizes he’s been standing in an empty alleyway the entire time.

Back in the banquet hall Chancho sees the desecrated cheese and goes into a ratlike rage. He springs from the shoulders of Agholor and charges the nearest goblin. The goblin’s face in completely inside a large wine goblet has he slurps a red vintage noisily. Chancho leaps and swings with Ratfang while following it up with his regular shortsword. The goblin had gorged so heavily on wine that his abdomen was bloated. As Ratfang pierces his stomach the goblin’s stretched skin bursts, showering Chancho in red wine and partially digested food. Momentarily blinded, Chancho laughs “there’s stuff in my face!”
Roofer skates forward on his rat skates towards the next nearest goblin. Lunging forward swiftly he pulls up and draws his roofer’s spar, tapping it into the goblins face in the same way a roofer would use it to tap in thatching. The goblin looks up, shocked, and it is the last thing he does before his head twists awkwardly and he falls to the table, upsetting a large gravy boat, dead. “Is anyone here in need of adventurers?” Roofer cries out from the top of a table.

Zorticus skips, giggling, and his hand catches fire, sending a fire bolt towards a goblin in the very back. The goblin bursts into flames, cursing his life he topples off the back of the table, dead. Zorticus then pulls out his dagger and kisses it passionately twice.

Sollen says “hey guys” and checks for exits. He sees they are all closed and asserts that the Goblins have likely not made it passed this room yet. He mind-thrusts a goblin near him but the Goblin rejects his thrust and suddenly the chain holding the chandelier vanishes. The chandelier falls towards the ground. Flames burst out as it falls onto Agholor, lighting the room on fire.

The goblins, three of them, turn invisible. They fade from sight as a wave of purplish energy washes over them. One attacks Roofer, striking him violently, with a rusty shortsword. Another strikes at Chancho but misses.

Next episode: 5E Episode 101
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