The first Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Drinking God Rules:
No Drinking God Rules only the 4 Golden Rules to start.

An additional rule was added early on:
Curt Holcin: “Drink whenever the DM says yeah, that didn’t happen in response to a player’s blatant rule-bending”
Wild Magic Rule: "Until the end of the adventure the DM will roll on the wild magic table in the DM’s guide for any roll of 1 or 20 until the end of the adventure."
TKP_online Crit Success Card: Aura of Cats. You are surrounded by a swarm of adorable, but evil, kittens. Advantage against adjacent enemies. However as a result of the cheese rage-link between Agholor and Chancho these cats frighten Agholor and any time he wishes to engage advantage he will lose a hit point.)


Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:


The final thing that happens is that a door is slammed open. They hear the pitter patter of little feet rush into what seems to be a kitchen. There is clattering and shouts therein.

Agholor sees Roofer get stabbed by a rusty short sword to the thigh. He pushes the chandelier off of himself, enraged, and as he does he can suddenly read Chancho’s mind which is full of thoughts of cheese and how inedible all of this is now… or is it? As a result both have a dire hunger for cheese but now Agholor’s rage leaks into Chancho. Agholor also sees the door open and he vaults over a table in a mad rush to get into the kitchen. With an Olympic style vault he hurtles past Roofer who shouts “Sell it, Sell it!” and barrels into the kitchen.

Both Chancho and Agholor are filled with a mindless rage and will attack anyone nearby unless there is cheese to be had, which will override the rage. The kitchen has a makeshift cookpot next to a large fire. Agholor does not notice the cries of the helpless nobles in the corner. They have been hog-tied and bound, with bulbs of garlic or apples stuffed in their mouths laid out on serving boards. They cry out piteously, their finery smeared with the remains of the banquet from the other room. In another corner a fire has been lit directly upon the floor and the largest cookpot in the palace has been brought out by the goblins. Hanging from the ceiling is another noble who struggles feebly above the pot of water which has just begun to boil. He struggles to says “get me down” around his bonds.
Agholor, like a charging linebacker runs into the room and slams a goblin into a wall, slamnming his . As a result the noble falls from the ceiling into the pot of simmering water and begins to thrash about. The other nobles lined up on the wooden carving table thrash ever more against their bonds. (TKP_online Crit Success Card: Aura of Cats. You are surrounded by a swarm of adorable, but evil, kittens. Advantage against adjacent enemies. However as a result of the cheese rage-link between Agholor and Chancho these cats frighten Agholor and any time he wishes to engage advantage he will lose a hit point.)

Mac, stoned out of his gourd, steps inside carrying his box of potions. He is ponderously slow and indecisive as to what he should do. “Woah, woah, woah” he says and then attempts to cast a minor illusion of a sound. He chuckles to the adventure party and suddenly a goblin voice from the corner cries out “You fools, there’s one more noble. In the doorway! Grab him!” Mac is inspired.

Agholor, through his rage, barely hears a pounding against a door. Suddenly the door opens with force and squeezing out through it appears an Ogre carrying a large cask of wine, sloshing back and forth. He has strings of sausages draped around his neck and off his arms. Salamis and other deli meat are tied to him, as it looks like he’s raided the food cellar. His stupid gaze pans across the room and settles on Agholor.

Chancho can smell the brie on an invisible goblin’s breath, the very goblin that just tried to slice off his toes. Enraged, Chancho looks for an olfactory sense of cheese sweetness from that goblin and with ratfang. He swings and his blade is stopped mid-swing impacting something in mid-air. Blood trickles from nowhere and the goblin flickers into view, falling backwards off the blade, dead. Gleefully Chancho charges forward towards the kitchen after disengaging from battle with the remaining invisible goblin. He does a backflip off the table, darts around and makes his way into the kitchen just as the massive arm of this ogre brushes him as it heaves the cask of wine back over his head to throw it at Agholor.

Roofer hears the commotion in the kitchen and acrobatically tumbles towards the doorway. Unable to see them though, he nevertheless attacks the area around him hopefully engaging the invisible goblin. He performs an endo after a sick gainer over Chancho with his spar in hand. The spar smacks the ground with a deadening thud. The ogre turns to Roofer, seemingly distracted from Agholor and Roofer performs a flurry of blows upon it. The ogre grunts and gazes angrily upon Roofer. Roofer then swiftly disengages and hops up onto a table. “Adventurer here” Roofer says and throws a business card that hits the ogre in his sweaty peck where it just sticks there.

Sollen sees Chancho look in the doorway so he turns and attacks with his ancient and well-worn iron headed, iron hafted Warhammer of the street. As Sollen attempts to strike the ogre the invisible goblin behind him strikes with a scimitar. The goblin leaps into the air, becoming visible as it slashes Sollen’s neck brutally with the weapon.

Zorticus puts his knife down after kissing it twice. Then he moves to look at the goblin. They stare for a moment at each other. Then Zorticus holds up his hand, the goblin looks at him confusedly and Zorticus casts Poison Spray in the Goblin’s face. The goblin, shocked, breathes it in and Zorticus looks on blankly as the goblin’s throat dissolves. As the goblin falls backwards, choking, it holds out a hand to Zorticus for help. Zorticus takes that hand, shakes it roughly and in the voice of an old timey carny says “Pleasure, pleasure doing business with you.” And the goblin dies at his feet.
The ogre heaves the stout oaken cask of wine, filled to its entirety, at Roofer. It flies true, however Roofer relies upon his monk traditions of rat-judo to deflect some of the damage of the exploding cask of wine. BAM! Deep purple wine showers the room. Roofer, drenched, is still up and standing. The ogre strides forward. Splinters and fragments of wood stand out from Roofer’s skin and he flexes powerfully, firing them from his body.

Agholor has pinned the goblin to the wall, the goblin’s face beet red from the strain upon his neck. Agholor takes the pinned goblin and swings him, club like, at the goblin adjacent to him. A kitten scratches him but the goblin on the ground is crushed by the goblin-weapon. Agholor then moves to attack the ogre. The man in the pot cries out “Oh thank god you’re here! What, where are you…” He splashes around futilely bound. The goblin in the way strikes Agholor as he passes him.

Mac moves to have line of sight on the ogre, but nowhere near entering the room. He’s still snickering and having a good ol’ time as he performs dissonant whispers at the ogre. When Mack was at rock bottom he had a whole album where he stole other people’s songs but just changed a single word thinking he’d get away with it. He performs with his lute “and I would do anything for gloves, I’d run right into hell and back! I would do anything for gloves but I won’t do that. No no! I won’t do that. I would do anything for gloves. Anything you’ve been dreaming of! But I just huh, huh, huh!” Tipsy stomps rhythmically to the song.

The ogre turns his head “I’ll kill you…. No. Love? Love! LOVE!!!” a blood vessel bursts behind his eyes and he develops a nosebleed.

Chancho then slides like he’s going into 3rd base to try to hide behind Sollen before lashing out with Ratfang and his short sword. When he’s done there is nothing left of the goblin except a hand sitting precariously upon Chancho’s head. He looks through the blood mist and slurry with a hunk of cheese hanging out of his mouth like a dog unsure about whether he wants to start gnawing on the bone he has. Zorticus spies the hand on his head and says “dibs.”

Roofer backflips off the table next to the goblin and nonchalantly smacks him in the face. The goblin is crouched and ready, but Roofer hits him so perfectly and heavily that the goblin just accepts death. Roofer notes the boiling nobleman and he rushes forward to strike the cauldron with a resounding “gong”. Several hundred gallons of boiling water spill forth into the room along with an unconscious nobleman. A gust of wind forms and blows over the boiling water, cooling it like one blows over hot chocolate on a wintery afternoon.

Sollen takes a swing at the ogre, hitting him in the nose. It grabs its face, staggering back into a wall. His hands come away, strands of snotty blood upon them. It clenches its fists, ready to tear Sollen to pieces.

Zorticus moves so he can see the ogre. “What would make this more fun” he muses. He decides. “Oh no! What am I going to do?” He says to a non-existent camera as though he was in a telemundo. “OI yoi yoi” he cries as a cloud of fog forms around the ogre.

Two bloody and snotty hands begin windmilling in the fog until they slam into Sollen. Meanwhile a goblin stabs Roofer from behind, in the behind.

Chancho charges up at “Big Fuck” and the ogre asks him how he knows his name? With Ratfang he slides and cuts him brutally in the ankle. Then he hops up and slices into the ogre’s calf. The ogre leans down to grab at Chancho but loses his balance and falls heavily into the wall, his head striking it with a sickening crack. The ogre lies upon the ground, dead.

Previous episode: 5E Episode 100 | Next episode: 5E Episode 102
List of episodes
Table of Contents