The first Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Drinking God Rules:

  • Every time a player forgets to use their character voice, they must take 3 drinks in their character voice. (Abyssal Melody)

Characters:

Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:

Play-By-Play

“They took her! They took the Princess!” Duke Dreymore cried out as the group cut him down after saving him.

Currently the group is in the rafters of the bell tower. They can smell the treated lumber of the rafters as the cogs and gears of the bell tower churn around them. At the urging of Duke Draymore they make their way to the small access port that leads to the roof “we have to get her back! Waitaminit, do I know you?!”

“That depends, do you have any roofing needs?” said Roofer.

Draymore responds with “ah, you’re the one with the card!” Draymore recalls several of them from the inn brawl that they were all part of a while back.

Agholor and Chancho below seem to be saying “we’ll clear out the rest of the castle. You guys go save the Princess” in charade fashion.

“To think that I would have been ground to pieces in those gears if it hadn’t been for you!” Draymore calls out to the group as the wind tries to whip his words away.

“Damn.” Says Zorticus.

“Yes, okay, I’ll admit it. I’m not exactly happy to have to team up with disreputables such as yourself. But as the Princess is currently kidnapped by…” he pauses “something.”
“You know…” Zorticus says.
“What? No, I’m not sure who I’m even talking to here. Who is the leader here?” He scans the foursome, first eying Roofer with his large backpack of building materials. “Not you.” He says, “a member of the laborer class.” He looks at the elf with the pallid skin and immediately discounts him. Left between the dwarf and the gnome, he initially looks to Sollen as the leader. But it is at this moment that Sollen attempts to sprout wings. Shocked, Draymore splutters “wh, what? Okay.”

Mac attempts to hold eye contact, but just starts giggling as Draymore says “how did you get that elephant up here?”

To Sollen he says “Keep your band of freaks together, do exactly what I say and we might stand a chance to get the Princess back.” As the group scans the rooftop they see the Princess on top of the highest peak of the tower. She is in the clutches of the lich.

New Drinking God Rule: Every time a player forgets to use their character voice, they must take 3 drinks in their character voice. (Abyssal Melody)

A lich stands upon the peak of the belltower. In his bony grasp and wrapped in his black shroud, black clouds scud behind him. He stands, rigid and immobile with a black cloak flapping and billowing around him, revealing partially decaying flesh. His face, a white porcelain mask over it.

“Princess Sophia!!” Draymore cries out.

“There’s a Princess here?” asks Roofer.

“Yes, there she is, in the Lich’s hands, the rightful ruler of the lands once she comes of age.”

Zorticus looks up and smiles “Lich! We could work together! I think I know who you are! Come on down!” with the intent of persuading him.

Draymore turns to Zorticus and cries out “Are you insane!?” to which Zorticus immediately responds “YES!” “Oooohhh, okay.” Says Draymore and backs away, bumping into Mack who cackles gleefully.

In an aside Draymore recognizes that the group may not actually be able to help him and that he may be alone in saving the Princess.
Meanwhile the lich strides forward and skydives from the belltower. His cloak billows out around him. He lands with a gentle click upon the bright blue enameled terracotta tiles of the roof. He has the Princess, catatonic, cradled in his arms.
There is a face painted upon the porcelain mask with the faintest of details upon it. He silently turns to Zorticus.

Zorticus rubs his fingers together and begins to gush “Oh my gosh. Listen, listen, listen, listen carefully. Um, What you have there is a Princess. Right? Not the queen, not a queen. But this guy, this guy, Duke Draymore. He runs this place. This is his place. This Donald Sutherland looking guy. “

Duke Draymore interjects “What are you talking about?!”

Zorticus snaps “Shut your mouth! You talk about saving the princess, but you don’t want to do it, do you? This is your chance, now’s your chance. Buddy!

Draymore visibly pales as he faces the Lich and Zorticus whispers to the Lich.

“Trade! Now’s your chance. You take the Duke and we’ll take the Princess.” He gives the thumbs up to the duke. “This is good for everybody. Bone dude gets the guy who runs the place!”

The pale face, the white porcelain mask turns to you in its black cowl and within the darkness of the two eyeslits you can see flaring pinpricks of burning green light. The lich’s frightening presence descends upon Zorticus which he ignores. He pauses for a second. “Are you trying to scare me? I think he’s trying to scare me!” and Zorticus takes out his dagger and licks it in such a way that it cuts his tongue. Then he moistens his lips with the fresh blood.

Mack seems to be in mid-hallucination “Don’t tell me I can’t eat pigeons.” He says “I can eat pigeons if I want to!” Tipsy pats him on the shoulder with her trunk.
Sollen leans on Tipsy and whispers “I was going to say ‘Hey bone thugs, where’s the harmony?’ but then the lich came down and it didn’t work out. But it was a good one.”

The Lich says “So you think that this pathetic, dumpy, useless waste of flesh…” he points to Duke Draymore, “interests me? Well, only one thing interests me in this rotten kingdom. Protecting the Princess. I will save her.” He raises his hand.
It is at this point that Zorticus feels the impending pressure of an irrepressible fart. It explodes out of him. A vat of stinking cloud billows out from him in a visible green and yellow plume of dense methane pours onto the rooftop. The area becomes heavily obscured as Zorticus says “Your move…”

A pair of boots, green leafy boots made from a natural fibre with supple leather hide appear as though shot out of Zorticus’ butt. Zorticus puts them on.

The Lich finally says “All right. You’ve proven your worth. You’ll rot with this kingdom.” His hand falls and he steps up into the air and out of the fart cloud. “You think your plan worked? You think this castle will protect you? This castle will be your grave. Goodbye fools.”

“Wait!” cries out Mack. What about this? And then Mack lifts up his shirt and does some belly rolls. “ooooh, kay…” Says the clearly confused Lich. “This is going really downhill. I feel justified with this decision.” He lowers his arm and as he does the winds pick up with intensity blowing across the roof of the castle. The vestiges of the fart remain.

The lich turns, wrapping his cloak around him turns into a shadowy hazy figure along with the princess and they move off from the roof off towards the floating citadel itself.

Duke Draymore is squeezing his eyes and retching “Did he take the Princess?”
Zorticus says “Gotta love me” to the camera.

“I wish the imps had dropped me from the tower!” Draymore vomits explosively.
The wind picks up and the banners from the rooftop flap violently and are torn free with their ropes and pinions streaming behind them as they fall upon the village below. The tiles, the enameled blue tiles begin to shiver and shamble and pull themselves together into a 10 foot tall, half-humanoid form. Amongst all of the clicking and clacking Zorticus says “I believe roofs are your speciality Roofer?”
Towering over the group, the banners and cording as well flutter into the semblance of a humanoid as well, fluttering in the air, like a flag-person.
The fart cloud then overcomes Roofer and he takes a moment, vomiting and attempting to recollect himself.

The Terracotta warrior shambles forward, a pile of tiles, making his clacking way towards Roofer. Roofer ducks underneath a giant haymacker.

The fluttering mass of pennants and banners has cords strung all over the rooftop. Suddenly, they tighten up as flutter up forty feet causing the entire party to attempt to dextrously avoid getting caught up in the mass of rope. Sollen and Roofer do not make it free of the cables and ropes and are dragged to the edge of the rooftop, scrabbling and clawing desperate to avoid falling to their deaths. A slipknot tightens around Sollen’s ankles and he has but a moment left to him to wildly grab for the marble balustrade. He fails and is yanked off the roof towards his impending death. He lands on the dirt gardens of the flower bed, face first in the daisies. Roofer manages to grab the edge, and thinks to himself “huh, I think I know who did this roof! This is pretty good work. This is Mason, the roofer, he did it.”

Sollen picks himself up and rethinks his life for a moment. He grows tiny claws on his hands and feet and then proceeds to climb back up the wall.

Mac, cocky and high, a little more sober though, sees the roof tiles come alive and start attacking the group and recognizes that as probably the most normal thing that is happening in his kaleidoscopic experience on the myriad of drugs he’s done says “Everybody! I love you guys. Anyway, I hate these guys. So I’m gonna hurt these guys. He then sings the most dissonant and horrible song he can. It is discordant and bad in the direction of the tile man. A synth beat comes from somewhere on Mack’s personage as he sings;

“Who’s gonna lie to David, about his rolls?
And who’s gonna pinch Tom’s sides? And yell at Gary!
Who’s gonna roll 17 dice? (In one turn). I don’t think Brian’s playing this right!
I said “who’s gonna be Cooke and Brian, tonight?”

The tile monster, suffering brutally from the effects of the song, has several tiles fall from it as it suffers the psychic bardic damage.

Zordicus, giggling as usual, rubs his hands together swiftly in the methane gas of the fart cloud. He causes as spark to ignite and causes a rushing wall of fire to attempt to envelope the tile monster. The tile monster fails to get out of the way and the fire damage rolls over it. Of course, these are kiln crafted terracotta tiles and normally the fire would just wash over them. The methane, an otherworldy concoction of abyssal gases makes the fire even hotter than normal and the flame, going blue, peels the enamel off the tile monster’s terracotta tiles causing the damage to be rendered in full.

Roofer looks to Sollen and says in Dwarven, with a full Dwarven accent (because he studied), “Sollen! So, what if you just catch me and boost me and throw me over here?”

Sollen, as he is attempting to climb back up the wall, is attacked by the rope and cable monster as it swoops down off the wall, ignoring the rest of the party, entangling Sollen in its own body. Cords and rope tighten around Sollen’s neck as the beast lashes him brutally. The dwarf is barely visible beneath all of these multi-hued penants covering him. Breathing has become difficult.

The tile monster clacks and clatters towards Tipsy and Mack. Tipsy fearfully trumpets, shying backwards knocking Mack out of the way. Mack drunkenly tumbles backwards towards the edge on the slanted roof, but catches himself.
Sollen, buried in cable, says “I’m the best there is at what I do!” and he pulls a claw out of the wall to swing brutally at the cable monster. He critically wounds the cable beast. Hanging, hating heights, Sollen pulls his claw from the wall and he tears into the kite, shredding it over and over again. Tatters, flutter away up into the breeze.

@MarieCGould crit success card: “I am Groot! A newborn Treat springs forth from the ground you are standing on.”

Sollen telephathically reaches out to Tipsy and says, in a gravelly voice “I just killed a fucking kite.” Tipsy responds with a tentative trumpet of cheer.

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