Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Introduction
David Crennan, your DM for tonight. Describer of Ogre Skin and Dragon’s tongues. America’s DM.

Matt Cook, player of Choncho Dreeft; Lightfoot Halfling Assassin. A feral little guy with a heart of gold, and a stench of bad things. He’s still working on the cheese he got from the Festival. (Inspiration for Lore)

Daniel Acker, player of Zorticus, the sorcerer hermit, freak, weirdo, goofball. He would have been in Suicide Squad and still couldn’t have saved it. He is a Drow.

Matt Bucholtz, player of Roofer, the wood-elf Roofer. He has an imp child and a lot of rats. He rooves things. Though he is now an adventurer and ‘father’ of imp. He’s an “entrepreneur” always looking for business ventures. He’s still with Thatch Bros, but only peripherally. He’s on Craig’s List looking for other income streams.

Drinking God Rules:

  • Kyle McCowan - Fools’ Crit. When a 20 or a one (natural or otherwise) doesn’t trigger the crit-deck, all must drink twice, once in joy, once in regret.
  • Inspired by CinciDave – Six Shooter – Everybody immediately, as fast as you can, take a shot. Whoever took the shot first gains the ability to assign one shot to another player or the DM on all Crit, or Critfail rolls. In the case of a tie, the first player to roll a six on a d20 wins.
  • @equalizations – A Total Immersion – Inspired by Roofer’s example, the drinking god demands Immersion. Drink whenever a player fails to use a voice when in character.

Characters:

Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:

Play-By-Play
The veil of reality is parted. Begone this illusion of real life that surrounds us, and let us pass into true reality. It’s totally dark. Completely dark. You cannot see anything but you can feel wetness as if you’re sodden and a pressure is upon you. Those with Superior Darkvision see perfectly though, and Zorticus and Roofer see the massed bodies of his friends, along with him crammed into a cave. Jammed together, everyone is wet and horribly sticky somehow. It smells of hands. The reek of numerous hands and there is the wiggling of fingers and the chill of a rolex on the base of your spine as literally dozens of fingers wriggle and suddenly expel the entire group from the mouth of Lloyd the Giant Head.

The things they see in front of them after having been knocked out for hours. They are in a different part of what they believe to be the citadel. There are large floating crystals hanging overhead which are crackling and humming. There is a massive glimmering prism which is beginning to crack. Mack and the other two (Agholor and Sollen) lay at Lloyd’s feet. Through windows above the group can see that they are still in the citadel, suspended in the air. What they see for but a moment is the Lich in his black cowl and white porcelain mask. Lloyd cries “Whaaaa??” in shock. His eyes goggle out of his head as he stares at a demon, towering over everyone in the room. Red, with leathery black wings, he strides towards the Lich who backs up before the wings close around it. Mack says “yeah, cool baby. Just like, kill that Lich.” The wings close and shadows extend from it to all four corners of the room. The wings pull back and the empty cloak of the Lich falls to the ground.

The moments that follow are havoc. The cracking sounds of a massive glowing prism resound through the room as it disintegrates from within. The air smells of ozone. Floating around in the room, six large crystals begin to start arcing lightning between them. The demon turns to face the group “No problem baby! My pleasure to serve!” he calls out in a tenor rumble.

The crystals explode over-head as the entire citadel shakes violently and drops to the group below. Fortunately the citadel was no longer very far. The crystal pyramid explodes in a blast of light and the three adventurers, on the ground, manage to avoid it. Sollen, Mack and Agholor are unfortunately struck by these prismatic rays and are felled.

The iron flask, open in Mack’s hand, falls from his hand and scuds across the floor. It comes to a stop and the cap pops itself back on before a single drop can fall from it. Choncho scoops up the iron flask and sees two figures. Princess Sophia, the Empress, stands in the rubble, looking pale, drawn, shaken and afraid. Moments ago she was in the lich’s bony grasp. Standing next to her is the grey haired, regal looking Duke Draymore (Donald Sutherland-look) looks shaken as well by the events. The rumble dies down and silence washes over the room.

Zorticus looks around “I kinda miss being in that giant head’s mouth! Anyone else? We just got spit out!” And he laughs crazily until suddenly he stops. He pierces the demon with a look and gives him little kissy faces. Choncho goes to the Duke and Queen Sophia saying “Is everyone all right?”
Duke Draymore pulls the Queen closer and says “Stay back you! Stay away from me with that thing! That flask! So the rumours are true! The map was true!”

The flask is warm in Choncho’s grip. It is iron and inscribed with profane runes that still glow slightly. “You stay away from us with that! I can’t believe it. It’s true. The maps! The ramblings of that old man. Hidden beneath our very city! The iron flask! The true iron flask. Prison to the greatest of all demons whom you’ve summoned here amongst us.”

Zorticus continues to make kissy faces to the demon who exclaims “Oh my! Ha ha! How I love the personality that this one has. It was my pleasure, to get rid of that meddlesome lich! My absolute delight! Is there anything else I, your humble servant, can possibly do to help out you?”

Zorticus squeaks “Hey, jailhouse rock!” The demon looks at him quizzically “what now?”

“Jailhouse Rock!” He says louder and the demon replies “Of course! A simple request. A song I’ve never heard, but why not? I simply need a command from the man with the flask.” He turns his attention to Choncho.

Choncho takes a moment and then darkly utters “get back in the flask.”
The demon takes a step back and with a bit of panic says “oh! No reason to get me back in the flask so soon! Don’t you realize there’s so many things that I can do for you?”

Choncho grins, grimly “Like what?”

“Ha! Anything you put your mind to!? After all, am I not Azmodeus, Prince of all Devils? Lord of the 9th pit of the hellish Hade realm?”

“Get in the flask!” Choncho exhorts. “We’ll get you out again soon, I promise, it’s just going to be easier to get around town if you’re in this thing.”

“Far be it for me to disobey your commands!” He sashays towards Choncho.

“Or! Make our three friends who disappeared, re-appear right now!” Choncho counters as the demon closes. “These are your choices!”

“All right. There’s no need to threaten me with impossible tasks. I’ll simply take a quick step back into the flask, but keep in mind! If there’s anything that you need, simply call my name, take a sip and I’ll be right there for you.” He vaporizes into a black smoke and drifts into the opening of the flask.

Duke Draymore’s face is utterly pale with fear. “Ohhh, good job” he wheezes, “yes! I should have known better than to trust you mad men, you utter lunatics. That… us…”
Choncho moves to Draymore and gets right up in his face with an animalistic look and shakes the flask violently.

“Don’t! Stay back!” Draymore exclaims and Zorticus goes to the fast and says “Okay, flask. I want a turkey sandwich, and I don’t want to be turned into some kind of turkey.”

Roofer approaches Lloyd the Giant Head and says “uh, so. You’re a business man, I’m a business man. You obviously own a fine lot of stores that have Lloyd the giant head’s helping hands across the world. I was just wondering if I could get a discount, like a card that gives us a discount at all your stores across the nation – Thunderblood, anywhere, you know all of the places that have ever been drawn on maps by Austin or Pritchett or anyone, or David’s mind… in the world.”

“I may be on vacation,” says Lloyd the Giant Head, “but I can always pull out a card for a friend.” Roofer passes to Lloyd one of his card and Lloyd vomits up a hand or two or three and as the hands come skittering out of his swollen lips, one of them has a set of damp cards that he riffles through and flicks with expert accuracy to Roofer a “friend and family” card. Roofer catches it and Lloyd winks at him with one of his swollen blood shot red eyes. Roofer winks back and all of the hands make an “okay” sign to him.

Around this time there is another massive shudder that runs through the citadel and a wall begins to
collapse inwards, and then upwards as bits of debris run upwards until it begins to coalesce into a swirling ball of debris in the centre of the roof. Rumbles shake the floor. Draymore pipes up with alarm. “This seems worrisome. Let’s get out of here. Actually… why don’t you guys stay, I think you’ve done quite enough, you demon summoning mad men! (did I say that insult yet?)”

“Uh, we saved the Princess! So the three of us did a lot of work here and I just think that you’re being very disrespectful about the work that the three of us put in. Like shutting down Asmodean, a giant demon! And all of those things he is, that David said he is… we stopped it! You didn’t! So bow down…”
“Well, I do have to admit that you have a strange amount of knowledge of meta-things. I don’t know who this David is you speak of but he seems to have …” Draymore says disgustedly.

“David! From Thatch Bros. He tells me all sorts of things, I’ve got an ear-piece.” Roofer responds emphatically.

“Yes, I don’t know what any of those words mean but I’m not interested in parlaying with people who consort with Demons! Good day!” Draymore turns away from the group “Princess! Come along. We escape this hellhouse, forthwith.”

Roofer cajoles her “Princess, you can stay with us and we will protect you. We’ve got a Ted Danson, a Tom Selleck, a Steve Guttenberg…

Zorticus pulls out his knife and gestures to Roofer “I’d never be a Guttenberg!”
“Right?! This is what I’m saying! They’re real nutso! They’re lunatics. Princess, come on.” Draymore exclaims.

“It worked out all right for the girl in that movie.” Roofer ponders.
Draymore, in the mean time is attempting to bodily pull the young girl from the citadel, but she is resisting him. She weakly says “please, please Duke Draymore, they did save us.”
Roofer, as a father, finds himself relating to Sophia’s plight. “Come on!” Draymore re-iterates. “There’s no time!”

Zorticus steps forward, recalling that Draymore is rather intimidated by him “Once again!” Draymore protests, “nothing you say makes any sense!”
“Hey!” Zorticus barks, and then continues softly as though to a scared puppy “Stop it. Stop it right now.”

“How dare you speak to me like…” Draymore protests and Zorticus holds a finger to his lips.
“Shut your stupid mouth. Clearly she doesn’t want to go and she’s safer with us.” Zorticus tells him firmly.

“NO!” Draymore says, but Zorticus alters his persona. He stands up straighter and develops a regal tone. Turning to Sophia he says “Your highness,” his voice is commanding and regal in a noble fashion. “I’m terribly sorry for all the trouble that has been caused you. Clearly your Duke does not protect you, for if he had you would not be in this predicament now, would you? However, as you are in this predicament I suggest you stay with the people who can keep you safe.” Zorticus then hunches back down and quietly murmurs in his high pitched voice to the Duke explicitly “I’ll fuckin’ kill you. I’ll gut you if you say otherwise.”

Draymore is cowed by Zorticus’ words and tone. “Princess, I see that there is no choice but to follow this group for now. But know this! The lich would not have come were it not for them uncovering his flask which is no doubt what drew it to our kingdom! So you may be our protectors today, but know that you are also our bane and I’ll say no more to you, sir.”

“Good!” Zorticus cheers and holds up his dagger to his ear. “What’s that?” He whispers to the dagger “you really want to go into someone’s guts??!? Just wait.” And he re-sheathes his dagger.
The Duke takes a half step back, but the Princess looks at the entire group and takes it all in. As the Duke turns around he notices Choncho grinning at him gleefully and Draymore tugs at his collar uncomfortably. It is at this time that yet another wall falls, breaking the moment and Lloyd cries out “Woah! We’ve gotta get out of here!”

The group moves towards the exit. They see they have touched down upon the ground and there is blue sky and solid ground, however they also see that where the Lich collapsed his robe is there and possibly whatever possessions were upon him. The group looks to the exit and then back to the body and rush over there to see what magical effects they may be able to loot.

Roofer notices though as he heads over that the shards that rained down from the breaking crystals have created a crystalline gravel upon much of the floor and that this gravel may be of some worth. “Rats! Son! Go get the shiny things!” and Roofer sends out three rats and his imp to collect the gravel shards for him. As the rats grab the shards though, the heat flares from them and burns their noses. The imp seems to be fine with it and they gather up into a bag a large amount.

Zorticus notices that underneath the prism that exploded is a vault with a large keyhole in it. Zorticus approaches it. As he does so Choncho reaches the lich’s robe. It is but a robe on the ground, but as he pushes it aside he reveals a horrendous face! He immediately recognizes it as just the porcelain mask of the Lich. But to the side of it is a pretty, shiny black ring. It has four small red gems set all around the band. As Choncho picks it up the light glimmers off of it and it seems to whisper to him “I’ll carry the load.”

It is at this time that the group also determines to add a rule “drink on donations.”

The ground rumbles again and the fourth wall begins to shake. The vortex in the ceiling begins to intensify. The fourth wall doesn’t even fall to the ground but sift upwards into the air towards it. The characters also feel a wind pull at them towards the ceiling.

Roofer sends the rats and the imp out for more shards and quickly looks about. The rats and imp dump the hot crystal shards into his large backpack full of hay for him. Roofer picks up the cloak and a black, silk drawstring bag falls forth. Within the bag is 4 gems initially… and then another 6 still lay within. All of them are sapphires. There is also 1 magic item – no, wait, 3 magic items – a potion of fire breath, a greater healing potion and a potion of water breathing.

It is at this time that the group decides to do a cheer when they drink on their re-rolls. The first is a very lame “CritJuice” that no one likes.

Choncho is drawn into the ring further…

“Re-rollio” becomes the new cheer during re-rolls.

“To the Trash Dragons” becomes the next cheer.
Another drinking god rule is unlocked at this time “Everyone drinks anytime anyone says ‘woah’” – Horatio78.

Luke Warm – David Crennan’s male stripper name is then discussed at length

Duke Draymore, with the Princess, glances around in a panicked state, keeping his eye on Zorticus. Lloyd the giant head rolls forth across the room attempting to cajole the party into leaving “Guys! We gotta get out of here.”

Draymore chimes in “yes, indeed, it’s very dangerous!”

Choncho is pulled from his viewing of the ring and barks out “Zorticus! It’s time to go!”

Zorticus is courting the big lock, imagining that this is a vault with a great deal of wonderful things inside. He takes out his dagger and attempts to pick the lock.

The group decided to cheer “re-rollio” again, and again, and again.

The vault door pops open and inside is another, smaller, vault door. This one with a series of wheels that look to need to be interconnected in order to function. Rotating them the right way, in the right number of times, in the correct order will open the door.

Zorticus turns to the group. He’s frazzled and amped up. He doesn’t care that things are falling around him. He never thought he’d even live this long. “Guys! Guys, we might not be able to get out in time. We should get in here. There’re wheels and wheels we can spin! Oh, come on baby! We gotta spin some wheels! Let’s take the time to spin it. I don’t know how long it will take, but we gotta take to the time to do it and we’ll be protected. Just think about coverage. Think about it!” And he walks into the vault.

Choncho rushes over to play with the big wheels as well. “Roo-Fee-Oh!” is then chanted for the re-roll. (If David Crennen saw Hook as a child, he doesn’t remember it, but it is unlikely that Crennen was a child when it came out in 1991.)

Choncho opens the door with a few quick spins revealing a third vault door with a sliding picture puzzle vault door, but outside the situation worsens…

The swirling, massive vortex begins to pick up speed and the group has to dodge chunks of masonry that are picked up and thrown around on their way to the middle of it. The vortex in the ceiling grows in intensity.

Roofer ceases looking for shards and begins to look for his “daughter” and his son. After becoming a father, Roofer realized just how essential it was to step up and he has determined that the Princess is now his kid as well. “Everyone! Get here! Come close!” He beckons to those outside the vault and the Princess, Draymore and the rats and imp towards one of the standing pillars. The vortex begins to suck hay from his backpack and he cries out “F5 the hand of god!” he cries.

“See, I told you! He’s crazy, Princess, we must leave!” Draymore calls out pointlessly. Roofer tries to protect them and calls down to those in the vault.

“Guys, let me know if you see anything” he yells into the wind to them. “That puzzle image looks like a … goldfish?” he says.

“Hashtag-Re-Rooolll!” becomes the new re-roll chant.
The wind sucks at the characters and the Princess and the Duke attempt to hold on as well. Meanwhile Choncho tries his hand at the slide puzzle but he cannot make the goldfish come to be, because it is not actually a goldfish.

“Troll-roll!” is then chanted by the group for the re-roll.

“Bring me my roooobe!” becomes the next chant.

Choncho manages to complete the slide puzzle revealing the image of the Lich giving a thumb’s up. The door opens, it is the final one. There is no spring behind this one and they struggle to heave it open. Gold and magic items spill forth from the vault.

“Oops, I did it again!” becomes the next re-roll chant.

2800 copper pieces, a huge spill of copper. 1100 silver pieces, as they rainman the math on the spilled loot. Six intricately carved alabaster figurines worth 25 gold a piece (all depicting the same man at different phases of his life), and they realize that Lloyd has been rolling around and using his many hands to fetch the unconscious bodies of their comrades. Finally, amongst all of the coins they find 100 gold pieces and five potions of healing. Thick, viscous red fluids in small flasks.

Zorticus really just enjoyed the darkness of the vault. He cares nothing for material things, but sure, he shoves a bunch in his pockets. Even as they collect the coins, we end until next time.

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