Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Drinking God Rules:

  • Kyle McCowan - Fools’ Crit. When a 20 or a one (natural or otherwise) doesn’t trigger the crit-deck, all must drink twice, once in joy, once in regret.
  • Inspired by CinciDave – Six Shooter – Everybody immediately, as fast as you can, take a shot. Whoever took the shot first gains the ability to assign one shot to another player or the DM on all Crit, or Critfail rolls. In the case of a tie, the first player to roll a six on a d20 wins.
  • @equalizations – A Total Immersion – Inspired by Roofer’s example, the drinking god demands Immersion. Drink whenever a player fails to use a voice when in character.


Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:

Play By Play

Coins are sucked up into the vortex around them. Rubble is thrown around them as the winds pick up but the party manages hang on to something near them.

Choncho jumps up into the winds and using his hairy Halfling feet he runs on top of the coins and kickflips them into his backpack making “all that money, baby. Woo woo woo woo woo.”

Queen Sophia and Duke Draymore cling to each other as tightly as possible, but the column they are standing next to begins to disintegrate and crumble. In fact all of the columns begin to crumble and topple . Chunks of the ground starts to pull up as everything in the citadel is pulled towards a single point. A large part of the column tears free and slams into the Duke and the Queen rendering them unconscious on the ground. Choncho escapes to the outside on his stream of coins.

Roofer moves to protect the Queen, grabbing her by the foot as she begins to be pulled away. She is unconscious and Zorticus laughs hysterically at all of the action. Bones and bits and fragments begin to get pulled from Zorticus’ robes, including a whole xylophone made of bones and a dvd of Bones, season 2.

Zorticus and Roofer, with the Queen, then make a break for it, managing to save themselves and Zorticus says “save the Duke, save the Duke!” so Roofer has his rats grab the Duke and save him.

The party plunges out of the citadel in the nick of time as the entire citadel is sucked up behind them, coins spilling out of their pockets. The citadel is pulled into a singularity. A single point of darkness that holds for a moment before it turns into a massive explosion that sustains itself for fifteen seconds of intense noise and light before fading into nothing.

It is at this point that the party lets everyone know about Iron Tusk and his wife have succeeded at creating their very own mini Iron Tusk and Acker reminds them to ensure that they don’t paint it and Crennen takes a break of his own. While Crennen is gone the entire party steals 40 or more re-rolls in handful after handful. Cook also opened a beer all over his character sheet.

Sam Mammelli made the Critjuice character sheets which can be found at
The party has landed upon the ruined remains of where the Citadel had once rested. Having never been here before they look around at the rugged hills around them. They can hear, in the distance, the lapping of ocean waves upon the shore. They are in the middle of a forest, just the three of them, Duke Draymore and the Queen, and they ponder for a moment ‘wait, wasn’t there a giant head…?’ at which point from above them, on high they hear his voice coming from the single point of darkness. Stuck in the singularity Lloyd calls out “Hurrraghlewagh” and he vomits out a dwarf, a gnome and a goliath.
Zorticus says “Wow, that is the exact same races as the other guys.” It is the last act Lloyd takes before he is sucked out of existence. “Is that their stunt doubles?” Zorticus follows up.

The sun is setting. It is low on the horizon, that the party can’t quite make it out through the trees. And Darkness is falling upon them.

Zorticus is standing over the Duke. The duke is unconscious and drooling. Through the trees, towards the beach they can make out a number of old ruins. Roofer takes a moment to look for some relics and potentially anything of value near where they have landed. The ground around him looks like the imprint or shallow depression upon which the Citadel had sat. It is warrened with burrows and tunnels into the ground itself. The group is taken back to the actual goblins that had formerly infested the citadel when it was flying.

Zorticus takes one of the Duke’s hands and with his dagger’s tip he cleans under the Duke’s fingernails. “This muthafugga’s gonna owe me big time.” As he flawlessly does a manicure for the Duke.
The dawn breaks the next morning upon this small group who has now reached Level 4 and they realize that they have been stranded on an island. The Duke and the Queen have regained consciousness as well. “Ouch!” Duke Draymore complains as he awakens. He notices his finger nails “oh, they look so clean” he exclaims. Zorticus has been waiting for this moment and dryly says “You’re welcome.”
“He IS strange.” Duke Draymore tries to say to everyone else.

Tier 4 is unlocked at this point and Crennen awards a Plot Point (A plot point gives a player GM fiat that allows the player to inject whatever fact they want into the game.) It is awarded to Roofer.
The Duke continues to stare at Zorticus. “It’s like he has gone completely insane! But here were are, stranded of all places! Look where we are! In the middle of Kraken Bay!”

“Kraken Bay!?” shouts Roofer.

“Yes, Kraken Bay. Judging by our geography, you can almost see the shore. We must be here.” Duke Draymore states and points to a spot on a well-crafted map. “You realize…” he shudders “the islands of the Kraken Bay! We’re doomed. You know why they call it the Kraken Bay!?

Roofer replies “because that bae is crack’n?”

Draymore looks at him disgustedly and evenly says “No. I wish this bae is crack’n. This bay is filled with kraken. A kraken. A mighty ravager of the deep. Powerful beyond comprehension. It has laid claim to these waterways…” No one seems to be listening to his entreaty so he shouts to get their attention. “Do you realize where we are!? The Kraken Bay! And while, yes, this IPA is delicious there is no getting off these isles. The kraken is protective of his waterways. Not one human ship has plied these waters in decades. It invokes the wrath of the kraken.”

Choncho slyly murmured “None of us are human…” to which Duke Draymore drawled “Well, whatever… it awakens from the deep, enraged. If it doesn’t crush the ship, you’re lucky. But ill omen will come … it doesn’t matter too much. Even if we had a boat, if we tried to sail off this island, we would one; be in violation of the treaties of the kingdoms of men which ring the bay and have agreed that no one will sail across it lest we invoke the ire of the Kraken and provoke it to do what it did to Regal’s Port… formerly called that now that it is but ruins upon the coast. Or, two, even if they don’t notice us sailing across, the kraken may notice us and demolish us. But that’s all only if we had a boat, which we don’t, because we are on an island, inhabited by goblins, filled with ruins… Because of you!!!”
Zorticus sees him pause for breath and walks over to him smoothly and says “One thing we must do. Learn the Kraken’s ways, mate with it, become half Kraken monsters and safely swim across the bay… Or you could quit your yammering about boats or no boats… and shut your goddamn mouth! Listen! You are negative.”

Draymore interrupts, “No!”

“You are negative.” Zorticus re-inforces.

“There’s one thing I know! We’re doomed! No boat will ever land upon this island!” Draymore finishes in a huff.

There is then the unmistakable sound of boats beaching upon the beach, which draws Roofer’s attention. Zorticus laughs and points at the boats. “You idiot Duke. You just spent all that time telling us that,” he changes his voice to a silly (sillier) falsetto “no boat will come!” His voice shifts back, “Everyone wanted to leave you. Everyone wanted to leave you. You have no family, no friends. We were waiting for the wind to pick you up but some dumb rats carried you out of there… and I cleaned your nails and you owe me big time.”

“Oh god. Queen Sophia! Don’t listen to them!” Draymore exclaims, but the Queen looks thoughtful, as Zorticus has only done quirky and interesting things around her. As far as she’s concerned he is like a funny clown.

Choncho actively attempts to listen for the boats arrival, curious as to what everyone is talking about. He zones in with absolute intensity upon a feral cat that lives on the island and they hiss at each other in dislike.

Four shambling figures dressed in dark navy-blue robes, and a fifth figure, emerge from the waves. This fifth figure starts as just a rising purple cloak from the depths before he emerges onto the beach behind the four other figures. Drenched with seawater he comes striding forward with one hand extended in the air. In supplication he gestures with other hand and says something in gobbely.
They approach, moving strangely in a jerky fashion. Stiff-limbed and with coral-like growths emerging from their joints which is what is causing this strange movement. They look similar to the pirates in the Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Unnatural, but not undead. They step from the boats, led by this purple robed figure whose skin has this fleshlike crusty skin. His hair sticks out in a white fro.
Goblins come pouring out of the ruins, 6-8 of them, more just poke their head out but remain within. The purple robed figure begins speaking and more strange humanoid figures bob up out of the depths of the waters near the beach, listening as well to the figure.

Zorticus says “They have boats. Duke! Diplomacy!” And he begins to push the Duke towards the beach.
There are plenty of feral looking goblins on this island. And the duke looks fearfully at Zorticus “You’re compelling me to go! You’re crazy! I won’t do it!”

“Yeah you will…” Zorticus drawls.

“I won’t listen to anything you madmen say.”

“Listen, everyone loves madmen. It wins awards.”

“What!? No. You are crazy and I will keep the Queen away from your influence!” The Queen regards the party with wide eyes, having never seen anyone like them before. “Don’t listen to them, my queen. You must…”

Choncho then hisses at the Duke while popping his hood and scrambling like a weird animal he approaches them while trying to hide. He moves away up over a few hills and positions himself where he can scan and see ahead.

A wind begins to pick up around Choncho and on the horizon he can see dark grey storm clouds beginning to form. In the extreme distance beyond that he can see the hazy green distance of land just on the edge of the horizon, maybe 22 miles away. He intuits that the goblins are enraptured and that whatever is going is religious in nature and that the purple robed figure is a priest of some sort.

Choncho is close enough now that he is able to see that the priest’s skin looks like a starfish’s with a rough texture with ridges and nodes. He has a hunched back and his limbs move in strange ways. The hair, as well, is stiff, almost like a coral fan. Other than that though, he looks human.
The goblins shrink back in fear, but the priest moves with an easy manner. He strides back and forth on the beach, striking a fist into his hand emphatically making points. He gestures broadly towards the ocean and then down into the depths before pointing to the beach and the land beyond. He definitely appears to be mid-sermon.

His attendants shamble back into the water and fetch from the water slats, and blocks of carved coral. They assemble, on the edge of the beach, an altar that is halfway in the water and halfway on the beach. Block by block they create a staircase from the sand up, but not a staircase on the water side.
The priest then strides up onto the platform. The goblins hang back, somewhat terrified but enraptured. The priest speaks theatrically, but incomprehensibly, and produces from his robes a large, closed, clam shell. He speaks fervently, gesturing behind him. “Skigach di kar, Kraken!” He repeats over and over, growing in volume and energy.

Choncho whispers “did he just call me white devil?” but the wind picks up and the flask that is tucked in Choncho’s man-thong vibrates a little bit and the devil inside whispers in Choncho’s mind “Darlin’, you know I can translate everything they’re saying for ya. It would be a pleasure…” The flask thrums with power in Choncho’s taint. “Simply let me be. Let me free! Take a sip of me.”
Choncho hates that voice so he does a kegel to shut him up. Meanwhile the priest has opened up the clam shell and Choncho can see that the shell is actually not a living creature, but that there are intricate diagrams and writing. He can’t make out what they are, but the goblins gasp and the priest chants “Kraken!” while gesturing broadly.

He turns back, exhausted from his exhortations. He says something else in gobbelly and with those words sharks, tied with bundles of something, surge onto the shore. Fresh fish, seafood all beach themselves as well and a seafood feast begins to be prepared by the priest and his men for the goblins.
While the two servitors prepare the feast, huge tuna getting carved up and a wriggling octopus. Two others begin to set up tents and whatnot. While they are doing that, Choncho takes out his new ring. Placing it on his middle finger (the only one raised, in the direction of the goblins) he notices that there is a sharp inner edge around the middle of the inside and it bites into his flesh as he puts it on. As a result of this he loses 1hp from his maximum. It cuts deeply and a trickle of blood drips out, but he likes it and feels a compulsion to spin it on his finger. He forms an attunement to the ring,

Roofer puts some rats under his feet in the endeavor to get to higher ground to look at the “underwater folk” “seafarers” and sees the two boats on the beach realizing that the servitors of the Priest arrived in them. The boats once belonged to Andrew Dice Boats.

“Thanks for coming out to Kraken Bay, Babee!”

“Get over here and suck my… dock.” Oohhh

“I prefer Cocainen Bay to Kraken Bay.” Good god

“Andrew Dice Boats, keeping you afloat, AYYY.”

“You’re making out with my nephew, a real piece of shit, so I tell him ‘Get a life…boat. Ehhhhhh”

“I’m gonna put one in your starboard and one in your ass.. ohhhh”

“Is Andrew Dice Boats a d20? Is he a d12? A d10? Personally I think he’s a d6, cause he’s kinda square. Ohhh.”

“Get out of my club.”

“My girlfriend said ‘I’m pregnant. You’re gonna be a dad.’ I said, ‘What do you mean you’re pregnant?’ She said ‘I’m gonna have a baby buoy!’”

“Hickory Dickory Dock, show me all your knots! Ohhh”

“He had a gig tonight. Last night, everything went wrong. You could call it an epic … sail! Ohhhh”
“I tried to find difficult terrain, but what do you call difficult terrain? It’s just regular terrain that’s broken.”

“Yacht Sea!”

One boat is normal and the other is very similar to that. Normal looking vessels. Keel vessels with simple mechanism. Each has four oars. Roofer turns his attention to the priest and realizes that the priest is in fact Andrew Dice Boats and has come of his own volition.

“I was fucking this mermaid, and I came in her gills and she said baby, I’m not done and I said, honey, come a your own volition! Ohhh”

Roofer has seen missionaries on his many travels. He has seen religious fervor from people trying to convert heretics of a populace. And this Priest looks like the type of guy who has arrived to convert these Goblins to worship of the Kraken. He appears to be rather effective as the goblins are eating it up, much like they are eating up the raw fish feast for them on the beach. The goblins regard him with intensity and more arrive from the surroundings.

The pavilion is now up and some goblins enter the tent. Zorticus also looks for higher ground and tells the Duke, “Stay with me, for you shall be the human shield.”

Duke Draymore says “and the Queen as well, I’m sure.”

Zorticus glares at him and says “No. She’ll be behind me, you psycho. Do you hear that, Queen Sophia? He wanted you to be the human shield, this fucking pussy. If we’re real quiet we can catch some of the punch lines of these jokes. Oh, here’s a good one. It’s a comedians mash up and it’s a little racey. It’s one of Chris Rock’s famous ones. I can’t say it. But you know the one…” he breaks down, giggling, “the popular one.”

The duke looks at Zorticus and at the Queen Sophia and says “I told you! I told you they were mad men.”
Andrew Dice Boats is not anywhere near Zorticus but Zorticus is “Kraken Up” all the same.

The Duke, nonetheless, is terrified and the Queen chuckles unsure saying “heh, boats, I get it” which the Duke hangs his head over saying “Oh god, no. It’s going horribly wrong. I promise you this, you can threaten me. You can say what you want about me and the Queen. But the second I get back home, I will see to it you and your friends are marked as enemies of the state.” And he glares at Zorticus. “You are dangerous men.”

Zorticus moves to Duke Draymore, nose to nose and whispers “You have no idea how dangerous I can be. So go ahead, make me an Enemy of the State. That movie sucked!!”

“Once again!” Draymore exclaims.

Zorticus sighs theatrically. “It had all this hype. Jason Lee was killed in the first five minutes! With something in his lingerie bag?!”

This argument is noticed by the goblins however and the group enters combat as goblins have noticed them.

Choncho hates goblins. He’s seen goblins do terrible things all of his life so he moves towards them sneakily and hides from sight.

Roofer wants to reach the queen. He leaps and tumbles down the hill like a parkour master with rats on his feet. He shouts to the queen “Queen Sophia! Come be safe over here. I can protect you over here. We got some Andrew Dice Boats over here and he’s got some Krakens. And we’ll keep everything safe. We’ve got Andrew Dice Boats over here.”

“Well, I do like the Andrew Dice Boats jokes” The queen says hesitantly.

Roofer pauses and, while looking puzzled, thinks to himself about why she likes Andrew Dice Boats so much and realizes that, as her dad, he’s having trouble relating to his 9 year old daughter and understanding the things she likes.

Andrew Dice Boats says “I feel like you too, girl! Don’t we know it.” And he squints “oh, wait, from a distance I thought you were a little older. Forget what I said. Andrew Dice Boats does not need another lawsuit.”

Roofer moves further along the difficult terrain upon his Lucio rats.

The goblins are surprised. Zorticus hops up behind the Duke and says to Queen Sophia “If you want to go with that Roofer guy me and the duke are busy dancing.” And over top of the Duke he yells out to the priest saying “I liked your earlier stuff, Boats!” and fires chromatic orb (lightning) at the priest.
The lightning forms in his hand, flashes out and crackles across the island, striking the priest from behind as he was turning around. The Priest issues a profane curse against Zorticus and he raises his hand. His arm then splits into two, hinged at the elbow. He gestures towards Zorticus with an offensive symbol.

The goblins rush Roofer and clamour towards Zorticus. They do not notice Choncho as they run past him so he jumps out from the kelp he concealed himself in and struck the goblin with incredible precision with Longfang.

The two servitors reach towards their spines and pull out long, jagged shards of coral from their body. They then hurl them with inhuman might like they were javelins, towards Zorticus. One of them misses and the other stabs the shoulder of Duke Draymore who reacts melodramitcally and Zorticus cackles gleefully. “Sorry, I was thinking of another boat joke.” Zorticus cackles as Duke Draymore groans and falls to his knees.

Priest Andrew Dice Boats commands his remaining servitors to attack the group on the hill and while he does so the storm that was brewing has now reached the island. The winds come rushing in as from the overcast sky overhead there is a rumble and a brilliant flash of lightning is called down by the Priest upon Zorticus. Zorticus attempts to use the Duke as a human shield “Whaat!” he cries as the Duke is struck by the lightning, immediately rendered unconscious and Zorticus is spared the majority of the lightning strike.

It is at this time that the “Battle of the Bay” happens between Daniel and Matt where they are required to eat 3 bananas each. Daniel gets only one of the three green bananas while Matt gets two of them. The green bananas being so difficult to mow through Daniel destroys Matt.

The winner receives a free magic item that is rolled from the magic item table.

The loser has disadvantage on their rolls for the remainder of the encounter.

Except that because Gary isn’t here they award disadvantage to him for next game instead and because they had to eat the un-ripe bananas they both are declared the winner and get to roll on the table each.
They then spend a significant amount of time re-rolling on the table to get the item they are happiest with. Because of their handfuls of stolen re-rolls it goes on at length: Boots of Elven Kind, and a rust colored bag of tricks.

Kenai River Brewing!

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