Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Introductions

Daniel Acker playing Zorticus the psychopath, hermit crazy sorcerer weirdo dark elf… huggable guy.

Matt Buchholtz playing Roofer, the wood-elf roofer. He comes from a family of Roofers. He’s still a roofer, though technically he’s an adventurer slash entrepreneur now. He changed his shingle but he’s looking for new opportunities as he’s on an adventure/vacation right now.

Tom Fonss playing Mack, Mumbles McGumtree. He’s a rockgnome bard. He’s a prolific singer/songwriter and he’s also a rabid drug addict and piece of work. Super loveable though. Washed up former super-star. Deeply in debt and has forgotten most of his debts especially one to Roofer. His friend and drinking buddy is a pink pygmy elephant named Tipsy. She’s the sensible one of the duo.
Jack Rathbone says “Get me Rathbone!” “Rathbone you’re a menace!” “I told you I quit.”

Donation instructions:
Give them re-rolls
Tiered Goals like magic items, cursed items, heroic at the table battles, etc.
Critjuice loves you.

Drinking God’s Rules:
#critjgods – @Horatio78 – If a player spends a token to force a re-roll, they have to drink. If they force the DM to re-roll, everyone has to drink. This is now a permanent rule going forward.
#critjgods - @sirfarsouth – “2 on the nose” any time a two is rolled, players must put two fingers on the tip of their nose. Last to put two on the nose has to take a drink.”

Play by Play

Classic Rathbone – “Only time I put two fingers near my nose is to smell ‘em.”

We part the veil of reality… revealing the beautiful blue expanse akin to the Mediterranean Ocean (the Mediterranean is a sea) (Not in this world man! One of the reference books in your backpack is just filled with books about the Mediterranean Ocean). That beautiful sapphire blue with small rocky islands pierciOcean (the Mediterranean is a sea) (Not in this world man! One of the reference books in your backpack is just filled with books about the Mediterranean Ocean). That beautiful sapphire blue with small rocky islands piercing, jutting out of the blue depths, covered with dense, semi-tropical, foliage. All of it enshrouded within the Kraken Bay, the biggest body of water in the whole of the Greenwold region that the party finds themselves in. (Just 1,000 miles to the west of where the previous adventure took place).

They feel the sea breeze blowing on their faces as we reveal the principal island. An island, almost dead centre in the bay, that as recently as yesterday that held the terrifying twisted black spire. The citadel of a lich, seldom seen in mortal lands. A citadel that is seen no more as he was banished from existence, struck dead form the word of Mack Mumbles McGumtree with the power of an unholy artifact; the iron flask – filled with potent spirits. It contains the form of Azmodeus, the devil. The lord of all Devils. How that came to be, no one knows. He is more than willing to grant the parties every wish and desire. Mack now holds the flask as Choncho stumbles, falls backwards and collapses unconscious. He is gripping the jet black, obsidian ring that he had taken from the Lich previously.

As Mack holds the iron flask he feels the slow beat of a cold heart, slow and sluggish within it and he can hear Azmodeus in the back of his head saying “Oh baby, anything you want. You can have it.”
Mack suddenly pipes up “Anybody want this thing? I don’t want it anymore, it’s creeping me out.” But no one takes him up on his request.

The citadel literally blew to pieces around the party, sucking itself up into a vortex overhead leaving the party stranded. With a bit of exploration it is revealed that there is no way off the island. The other comrades are strangely quiet and silent, but Duke Draymore is nearby and Queen Sophia is present.
Duke Draymore is currently laying over Zorticus’ body sizzling with the smell of ozone and burnt flesh as the thundercloud which continues to roil about 100 feet over head, flashing with internal lightning roils at the beck and call of the figure on the shore, “the Kraken Priest.” His skin is unusual and looks like a starfish with pitted, rough texture. He is bald but has large coral fans coming out of his head. His arm has split between his fingers into two different appendages.

Zorticus says “We only have to wait for global warming to put this guy out.” The Kraken Priest pauses, looks at the sky and pulls up his collar. Then with one of his bi-furcated arms he reaches up to the sky and the storm cloud swirls sluggishly about and the party can feel the hairs on their arms prickle up as he begins to summon another strike of lightning from the cloud. It would be an easy task to run up to him and knock him down and distract him, if it was not for the goblins swarming about the ruins left on the island. They wear crudely cobbled together leaves and native pigments for clothing.
Totally submerged in the water, bobbing up and down, are some sort of seafolk. There is a great deal of turmoil in the water. At the end of the last game session a giant, open, clam shell was pulled up on the beach. It is ten feet wide, ten feet long and within it is some sort of personal storage or repository of the Kraken Priest. Moments ago he was giving a speech or sermon to the goblins on the island, but he was drawn by the heroes charging heedlessly into battle with them.

Initiative Ho!

Roofer thinks to himself, nothing deteriorates a thatched roof quite like ocean air. The salt gets in there, starts expanding and cracking. It’s real bad and he’s looking for a goblin with some wealth to maybe offer his services.

Zorticus stands on top of a low hill about thirty feet up. There are ruins and sandy grass stretching down to the beach and to the surf beyond. This area is swarming with goblins. Zorticus moves away from the Duke’s smoking body. Zorticus smiles at his fried body and laughs “hee hee… oh, right, goblins. Goblins!” So he points at the closest one and summons a firebolt with a cool gesture “If only I was near water!!” The goblin screams and dies half a foot away from the ocean. A reaching, flaming hand is dowsed by an incoming wave, but it’s not enough.

Mack and Tipsy lands on the map “Sorry, I had to pee!” He apologizes as he bounds down towards combat. The drugs have synched up to allow him some clarity on the situation at hand and he goes straight for his lute. Mack moves closer and, seeing a close goblin, he strums the opening chord of a horrible song from one of his early albums entitled “Little Timmy! From his “Sea Side” album.” The goblin screams after hearing a few bars “Catchy! A … a little too catchy! Can’t get it out of my…!!!” He charges headlong into a stone pillar in order to drown out the noise. His head makes a sickening thunk and he collapses back, insensate.

Roofer, before he has a chance to act, hears something issue from the Kraken Priest’s throat as he turns towards him and he begins to crackle and change much like Earl in Men in Black. The priest speaks in Common for the first time “Look at how they strike at you, my goblin friends. But the Kraken, the mighty Kraken, of Kraken Bay will show you mercy if you but convert to our side. Convert to the side of the Kraken. I speak his words. While he lingers in the abyssal depths and plots domination… Which will come, surely.” The Priest gestures with his bi-furcated arms. “Long has this lich, this foul maggot upon the earth, frustrated our lord’s attempt to claim the bay. And now he is gone. Now my Lord’s power is unchecked. This feast before you…” he points out the feast on the banana leaves on the beach. “He is bountiful in his peace and dreadful in his stormlike wrath.”

“Did someone say… Rath?” Jack Rathbone rides in on a motorcycle with two sawed off shotguns “Kraken this…” and he lights the place up.

“Your jokes won’t save you! One thing only will save you. Come here. Drop to your knees and accept the blessing of the Kraken, or die.” There is two halves of this open bi-valve. One half filled with water, but the body of a bound Halfling bobs to the surface in the water of the other half. He speaks to everyone on the island “Our sacrifice will summon the kraken! Send the wave of great destruction. Reclaim your borders!” He turns back to the party specifically “Repent now!”

“I killed a lich!!” Mack cries.

“You killed the lich!?” The priest exclaims.

“Ya,” says Mack humbly.

“Wow” The Kraken shakes his head, eyes wide.

“Surprising. I know. But true! True!” Mack shouts out to him.

“Well, then you will have the Kraken Lord’s thanks and praise as you reside at his right hand.”

“I see what you did there.” Mack nods and winks.

“Now I understand this because I go door to door selling thatching and roofing and you go door to door selling your religious beliefs. So I think there are a lot of similarities here and I would just like to say that I think that the Kraken lord probably has plenty of temples in the ocean but you should start thinking about expanding. Now, I’ve got some friends, I’ve got mortar, I’ve got paste…” Roofer starts in.

“The Kraken Lord cares not for thatch!!” The Priest interrupts.

“I just said mortar and paste… and those are two very different things from thatch, but if you do want thatch I am specialized in that myself and I wouldn’t have to call my cousins. But what I think here, is that we have a real business opportunity!” Roofer ends happily.

“The weak dwellings of man hold no interest to us. We grow our mighty structures from the shells of the abalone.”

Roofer tries to throw one of his business cards to the Priest.

Seeing that none of them are eager to capitulate he decries “Then you shall die.”

Lightning strikes down at Roofer from the clouds. He leaps out of the way as it strikes at the masonry at his feet. It holds up, solid and ancient earning Roofer’s grudging respect. Chunks of sharp stone and the residual flare and heat does hurt him.

“Prepare the ritual!” The Kraken Priest cries out and the servitors begin to move about in the water. The merfolk swim towards the Halfling wearing belts and bandoliers out of woven seaweed and they carry sharpened bone daggers. The goblins begin to scream and shout, hopping up and down and brandishing their weapons in a fervor stirred up by the priest.

They launch their slings towards Roofer and Mack. One comes in at Roofer and he spins and re-directs it at his “chum” the Kraken Priest smacking him directly in the adam’s apple. There is a very satisfying depression as though pushing into a balloon in his neck.

One of the rocks hits Mack in the ribs with a resounding crack and the goblins laugh. Zorticus also hears goblins laughing from the trees behind him.

Roofer also hears the goblins in the forest. He leaps down acrobatically from the hill doing a “cool flip – sick gainer” running into range on the Kraken Priest. And what is wonderful to note is that when Roofer re-directed that stone at the priest moments ago, one of his rats ran down his arm and hopped onto the stone and rode it right into the priest and is now hiding on his back. It taps him on the shoulder and chitters a little story while Roofer goes for the hit. He uses his spar, a giant stick and attempts to knock the fish right out of him. Following up with that he whacks him again with his spar but misses and remains standing next to the priest to incur his attention.

Before Zorticus has a chance to do anything Queen Sophia cries out and goes scampering towards the smoking body of Duke Draymore. She shakes him and appear very concerned. Zorticus looks at her and says in a voice that is clearly not his own “He was an honorable man. And he died the way he lived. Writhing around in pain and on fire, screaming.” He then nods and maneuvers. All this time Zorticus has been listening with rapt attention to the Kraken priest talking about religion and being a hermit he has never been part of an organized group so he is intrigued, but not intrigued enough. So what he does is split the difference and try to kill the Halfling to see if the ritual before it dies or if the blood just releases the kraken. The Kraken has deeply piqued Zorticus’ attention as he has only seen pictures of them in books and he thinks “oooohh, this could be fun.” He is now wild-eyed looking at the Halfling in the half-shell and takes his dagger. His eyes go an even more crazy blue as ice forms around the dagger creating an even more fine point. Tipsy, standing close to Zorticus is very concerned, giving him side-eye and then looking at Mack and looking back at him.

Zorticus moves to kiss his dagger and then realizes… oh, it’s covered in ice and he may not want to do that… and he ‘zelda-blade’ shoots the Halfling with his ice knife and causes the two servitors to take cover from the blast as well as he uses his meta-magic to extend the range of his spell (this doesn’t normally allow you to double the range of the damage portion of the spell, just the distance the spell can be cast at, but the DM overlooks this). One servitor dodges, and the other is hit by a wave of cold as the salt water freezes around him and he dies, gurgling with his feet caught in the ice around him.
The Halfling dies. The blade goes right into him and the blood spills out into the water and the blood freezes as well. Zorticus gleefully claps and a mighty peal of thunder sounds out from the far horizon.
The Kraken Priest raises his bi-furcated arms “Here! Ahhh” he grabs at his throat. “He’s announced his arrival” he coughs and splutters.

It is at this point that Matt wanted to know if Rootydog is is mom. And the first tier of rewards is unlocked (everyone takes a shot) and the second tier of rewards is unlocked (new DrinkingGods rule in effect). And it IS Matt’s mom… or he’s getting trolled.
Drinking Gods Rule: @pwcofwitchmarsh – Whenever you make a saving throw you can lower the difficulty by 5 if you take a shot.

Mack and Tipsy have been working on a move with Tipsy where he plays a one one string on his lute, “deedle, deedle deedle” where Tipsy charges, Mack leaps onto her back and she gores two different targets. He plays, she stretches a bit, snorts once and charges, he leaps up without looking behind him, knowing that she’ll be there and mounts like he was spryly leaping onto the parallel bars by grabbing her tusks and flipping onto her back. There is this excellent classic ballet-esque turning routine. The goblins run around and around for a few moments until Tipsy finally catches them and crushes them.

The remaining goblins have noticed the screaming, trumpeting, stamping pink elephant smashing their brethren and they demand revenge. Mack smiles “hi!” and Tipsy rears up and the Kraken Priest mutters disconsolately “He brought an elephant to a fish fight.”
The fight has gone out of the two remaining goblins, but the Kraken Priest calls for more and more goblins come yelling and screaming from the forest, cutting off the party and forcing them further onto the beach.

The goblins fire their slings at Roofer missing, and then the Kraken Priest launches a flurry of blows at him failing to hit him over and again with his pool noodle arms. “You dare defy the kraken!” he screams hoarsely. Finally one of the merfolk servitors slithers up on to the land closing with Roofer finally striking him for a brutal cut to his leg. Surrounded by a swarm of creatures, Roofer is nevertheless unscathed.

“Jack Rathbone never pulls out, either from the fight, or the night.”

Tier 3 is unlocked and all players gain second inspiration.

Roofer, surrounded, takes a cedar plank and tries to roast some fish on a stick and critically strikes the floundering merfolk servitor, killing it brutally.

Critj20 – Spaceseeker19 – Roll a d8 – that many generations of time travelling Stoneshields appear and strike your target for 1d6 bludgeoning damage and then vanish. (4 of them – “Uh, I hate you guys” “real good guys” heavy sighing) Each of the Stoneshield’s is named – Gerblan Stoneshield (from the far distant past), Shieldstone Stoneshield (perhaps the originator), Muffins Stoneshield (Gralford’s dad), Fargus Stoneshield (descendant of Gralford). They announce their name, strike, and vanish in a puff of smoke.

Roofer regains hit points from the dead merfolk and strikes the Kraken Priest saying “Thought you were done with me! You’re not!” And he slams his spar down on the priest. The priest doesn’t fall so Roofer prepares a flurry of blows…

Previous episode: 5E Episode 107 | 5E Episode 109
List of episodes
Table of Contents