Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Drinking God Rules:


Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:

Play By Play

Roofer’s flurry of blows rains down upon the Kraken priest but his blows are ineffectual it seems. It’s like punching a water bed. (Jack Rathbone has never punched a water bed before, but he’s certainly thrusted on one.)

Zorticus chuckles to himself about the Rathbone saga, his favorite book series. He sees goblins spilling out of the forest and that Roofer is having no trouble. He says “ooohhh! Barbeque!” and then shifts into another sorcerer attack. His eyes take on a crazy hot red appearance and his hands glow read. His voice, a crazy one, still not Zorticus’ actual voice “oh hello goblins!!” (like Bobcat Goldthwait) and he claps his hands three times creating a cone of fire around the six goblins before him. One of them attempts to dive out of the way but the others are all caught gaping. All of them die and a small part of the forest they were coming from ignites as well. Zorticus then turns to a non-existent camera and says “Oopsie! Ba da b aba da da. BEEP! Where’s my trailer? Where’s my trailer!”
Mack and Tipsy continue their rampage forward and Mack summons blade ward, his Blues Brothers chicken wire net of country music while he wipes some of the goblin blood spatter that had hit him. Tipsy, meanwhile, is caked in gore. While Mack isn’t actually enjoying the gore and bloodshed but he’s playing up the part of really getting into the bloodlust and says “it’s awesome! Wow!” just with the intention of scaring the goblins a bit. “Woo! What a time! Your friends were full of blood!”

Jack Rathbone looks on from the underbrush and comments “He’s covered in… Tipper Gore. Here’s an inconvenient truth for you! She’s a bitch!” in his deep and rumbly voice. A lengthy discussion of the evil wizard Alistair Gore and his ability to control climate change.

The Kraken Priest has seen the tide turn against him and disengages from Roofer, retreating back into the ocean. As he removes himself into the crashing waves, the clouds of the storm tower above him he mutters “It is fine. The kraken shall claim you and I shall dance upon your corpses. Ha ha ha…”
He disappears into the wave, swimming away. There are but two goblins remaining and they back up unsure of what to do so they drop their weapons on the ground and fall to their knees on the sandy soil and beg for their lives. They fetch a banana leaf with the feast of the sea on it and bring it to Mack who directs them to give it to Tipsy for her enjoyment. Tipsy, however, doesn’t really like seafood. Mack originally had thought she did, because there was that one time where he did feed her some fish, but he’s realizing now that she was just being polite and didn’t actually like it. Mack says “more seafood for me, man!” Tipsy picks up the accompanying giant hibiscus flower with her trunk and tucks it behind her ear. “If you ain’t cute, I don’t know what is.” Mack smiles at his friend.

Zorticus walks over to the cowering goblins and takes on this weird air about him. “Seems like you guys were really into this whole ‘Kraken thing’,” he says in a nonchalant way. “Um, should we be worried is that like… put sunscreen on?” and he laughs like a polo sweater wearing frat boy at an upscale tennis event. The goblins don’t understand common, but they do understand elite fratboy so they get the gist of what he means. They turn and look torwards the horizon at the fast approaching storm.

Roofer has moved to higher ground trying to see how long they have before the storm arrives and he realizes that the storm is perhaps a couple hours away from slamming into the island. If they wanted to get to the mainland in time it would be a race to get there in time.

Zorticus is really feeling this new persona he’s taken on. He marches over to Roofer and says “Seems to me that the whole thing about this island is that we were told we wouldn’t be able to get off, but those two idiots left a boat.” He reaches his hand into the halfshell and slurps some of the blood water. “So… I say we hop into those boats, goblins, you start rowing and we get the hell out of here. Queen Sophia, leave that dumb, charred piece of shit up there… I’m just kidding, he was a good man…” he starts laughing.

Queen Sophia comes towards the group. She is carrying something in her arms. It is furry and grey and she is doing her best to bring it down.

“What do you call a drink nice drink that has a Hobbit in it that is bleeding out? A Bloody Merry.”
Roofer quickly loots the bodies of the servitors and found a few healing potions, a smaller closed clamshell. It is purple with stripes on it and is about the size of a football. Further there is 12 gold pieces scattered in the bottom of the giant clamshell. Roofer takes a moment to inspect the smaller clam shell to try to open it. He realizes his best option is to tickle open the clam.
Jack Rathbone says a single word at this scene “Prawn/Prom” it’s hard to hear what he’s trying to say.
Roofer coaxes the shell to unseal and open up in front of him. It is painted inside with diagrams and writing of some sort crudely depicting the summoning of something and important plans. There is also something stored within it. It is an intense blue orb of coalesced magical energy that is cool to the touch.

Crawling out of the haybales on Roofer’s back is Froot, the baby treant. He seems to have been lured out of the haystack and peaks at the orb of light. He says “ I am froooooot” and approaches the orb. Roofer is captivated by the magic of the orb. He takes it and puts it in his opposite hand while Froot looks sad at not getting to touch it. Roofer says “What do you see there? What do you got? Why do you want this? I’m a wood elf! You’re a tree! You’re made of wood.” Froot looks dejected but can’t answer Roofer.

Zorticus calls out “Jump in the boats! Run away out this damn bay!”

“Mack! Have you ever seen one of these?” Roofer proffers the orb to Mack.

“What’s that?” Mack says.

“Shiny! Blue! Ball!” Roofer exclaims.

“Nah, I gotta get Tipsy down to the beach. She has to cool off.” Mack dismisses Roofer’s offer.

“All right!” Roofer puts the orb in his pocket and everyone runs down to the beach. Tipsy cools herself in the surf, waving her ears about. It has become a bad day at the beach.

Zorticus says in “All right everybody, let’s get in these boats and hurr da harrr..”

“We should all head home.” Queen Sophia says, tiredly.

“That’s the spirit! You got your wolfman with ya!” Zorticus continues in a new southern drawl.

Queen Sophia opens up her cloak and lets the creature down to the ground. It is not a wolf, it is in fact a goat.

“Hahahahaha,” Zorticus laughs.

The goat shakes his head several times and then trots over towards Zorticus. Roofer inquires as to where Duke Draymore has gone.

Zorticus pets the goat and then crouches down, looking like he’s petting the goat, but whispers in his ear “I haven’t eaten goat in a loooooong time!” The goat skitters and moves towards the queen to hide behind her. “Settle, settle” Zorticus whispers kindly and then smiles to Queen Sophia and continues in his southern drawl “He’s a shy little goat!” and he tips a pretend hat to her.

“Speaking of goat, let’s Dr. Seuss this and hop in the boat!” Zorticus declares and the rest of the party agrees.

“I agree, let’s go!” Mack cries out.

“Aren’t you worried about that storm?” Queen Sophia says.

“Not really, it’s about two hours off” Roofer assures her. “If we go now, we can make it to mainland.”
Each of the boats looks like it can hold about four people, but with Tipsy, Sollen, Chancho, and Agholor also there Zorticus sees that there isn’t room for the goblins.

He says “I’ll see these goblins off.”

Roofer smiles “Have a good time, boys!”

The goblins look at Zorticus hopefully and he grabs hold of one of the goblins pointy sticks and causes him to stab the other goblin with it. Realizing what Zorticus wants the goblin begins to stab his compatriot over and over while looking at him with a hopeful expression, looking for Zorticus’ approval.

Zorticus says “we’re having tryouts. Yes, yes.” Then Zorticus roots through the pockets of the dead goblin for loot, getting goblin blood on his hands. He uses the blood to make some cool markings on the other goblin’s face then, taking ahold of his knife, stabs the second goblin in throat.

Roofer, remaining optimistic, obviously fails to see Zorticus do this and when he returns he says “oh man, they had jelly! They had strawberry jelly” and he licks the blood off his hands. They see in the background the goblin that was stabbed in the throat lurching about, clutching his neck… “But, he was allergic to strawberries… anyway, into the boats!” The goblin falls to his knees and then onto his face.

Zorticus cleans his hands off on the goat’s fur and the Queen looks up at him in a panic saying “Don’t, don’t kill the goat.”

“Oh my god! No!”Zorticus says in an extremely high falsetto. “I’m not going to kill the goat. Why would I do that?! I love this goat!!” He pets the goat extremely sweetly and nuzzles the goat’s ear, whispering “Think of this as marinade.”

Roofer elects to skipper a boat with Queen Sophia, the goat and, Agholor and Chancho with his imp on the bow of the boat. Zorticus skippers the other boat with Mack, Tipsy and Sollen. They shove off, into the ocean with the storm beating down upon them.

Two boats upon a blue sea as they enter… the Kraken Zone. The storm clouds form behind them. The water is clear and easy going at first, but then they begin to notice these big, dark shapes in the water beneath them; sharks, large sharks swimming with a purpose in the wake of the boats. Occasionally they break the surface and returning, nothing aggressive, simply following with intent.

The clouds draw nearer and nearer, the waves get larger and larger until there is a deafening crack overhead and the wave they are upon becomes a mighty swell. Something enormous can be seen moving beneath it. Agholor rows, Sollen rows, and Zorticus looks back and deadpans “well, isn’t that swell.” Roofer declares “this isn’t the time to be wishy washy” causing the boats to unbalance with the weight of puns and they capsize… “Keep the goat dry! No one wants soggy goat meat!” Zorticus declares as he opens a bottle of port, to keep an even keel.

For a moment the kraken breaks the surface. It is a gargantuan creature and is just a huge black mass beneath the surface. The wave behind the boats swells and four huge tentacles come extending out of the wave towards the boats. They realize that this thing is enormous. It’s huge! They are sped up by the huge wave and then get slowly pulled back towards it as the wave starts to build a crest.

It begins to rain, spitting down upon their faces and they must lean into the oars with a vengeance in order to not get sucked into the crest of the wave and be destroyed. Because of the amulet of warning in Zorticus’ possession, they realize that now is the time and hurriedly attempt to get ahead of the wave, and fend off the tentacles all around them.

The wind howls and water crashes down upon the craft’s prow as they barrel down the side of the wave. Ahead of them, somewhere far off, piercing through the dark clouds is a white light shining down from on high. It is a single glowing point, somewhere off in the distance. A major landmark in the area. Roofer is the only one to initially sees it but he does not know what it might be. He calls out “There’s a light! There’s a light in the distance! It’s bright! It looks like we should know it. I feel it’s right on the tip of my tongue. I can’t quite picture it. I’m sure I’ve seen it in something.” He loses sight of it for a moment. Queen Sophia is hunkered down behind Roofer holding the goat as well as she can as she is slammed about by the waves. “Agholor! Row faster!” Roofer cries out. “All right. Faster than this?” Agholor asks. Roofer, guiding the craft, avoids the massive swells as they come up and down. “Water ahead, watch out!” he cries.

Zorticus’s ship, however, is not able to surmount the swells and they are swamped with water, getting pulled back into the massive tentacles as they flail in the storm over head.

Roofer looks at the tentacles and attempts to judge their length. Realizing that he is just barely in front of the tentacles he urges his group forward to stay ahead of the tentacles “You can do this! You’re a goliath! Your people may not have been born on the ocean but you also can take forth and run past anything that comes in your way. You just beat through it. You were a bouncer once, now you’re a splasher, a rower! You’re gonna make your way.” Water courses everywhere.

Tipsy, a little freaked out, and everyone else are covered in water and they realize that if they don’t manage to do something soon they will be in amongst the tentacles and quickly pulled under. Mack attempts to get Tipsy to bail water out of the boat with her trunk and she sucks out the water in the boat, spraying it out behind them. Zorticus, close to the creature, and fearing an attack is also in awe of it and wants to see it better. He casts faerie fire on the Kraken so that he can see it dimly outlined in green but the spell fails. Zorticus realizes then that this creature is an ancient godlike power with a powerful and mighty wrath “Woah! He ain’t messin’ around baby!” Zorticus cries out.

The tentacles attack the back boat breaking wood and lashing out, but unsuccessfully latching onto the vessel. The kraken surges forward and the front part of its horrible, massive, distended mouth begins to break through. Water pours off of it in huge waterfalls. Behind that, horribly, eyes as large as the boats stare down upon the crafts; intelligent, malevolent eyes that require each character to look into themselves and find the courage to flee. These are heroes though, stalwart adventurers and destroyers of liches and are able to turn their attentions back to the task at hand, rowing.

They manage to focus and drive their boats forward, pulling away from the kraken. Their arms burn in the endeavor to row ahead of the kraken. Tentacles wave in the air, Tipsy jet-engining out the back. Zorticus thinks about whether the Kraken understands language and he begins to yell in Abyssal “We are not your enemy! The Priest was spouting falsehoods about you!” He screams into the wind and the Kraken takes pause… and Roofer moves to back up Zorticus’ words “Look! He’s right, he’s basically I mean, what he’s saying is true! The man whose arms were up in the air… he was lying! He said that kraken is a pile of shit! I’m gonna call him up here just to say what for!” This is all in common but only aids Zorticus a bit more.

The Kraken responds, not in words, but in a voice that vibrates your skull from the front to the back as though it is using your cranium as an amplifier for psychic waves, like you are going along a bumpy road or standing in front of a massive sub-woofer. They are hit with an intense sonic wave of energy and in Abyssal “worship me or die!!!!” (super metal, like the leadsinger of Gwar). They are rattled and staggered and for a moment Zorticus touches upon its psychology in that it regards itself as a God.

“It’s a God! And it wants us to worship it!” Zorticus relays to the group.

“The Kraken!” Mack and Tipsy cry out “The Kraken, yeah, the Kraken is the best, the best!”
Zorticus, in abyssal, shouts back “What better way to praise your glory than to let us survive your wrath, spreading word to the mainland! You can’t get more followers if your followers are dead.” Zorticus whispers “my Instagram is pretty popular.”

An insane blast of sonic noise hits the boats, “Then become my priest and bear the mark of the Kraken!!” it cries, and it focuses its tentacles and attention on Zorticus. The tentacles rise up as one and appear to be descending upon Zorticus.

The kraken is closing in but the blinding beacon that they are rushing towards is getting closer. The wave they are riding and trying to row upon is hurtling them faster than they could possibly ever go on their own. They are barely able to stay afloat and have no idea if land is near or not. They can’t see it through the blasting rain and the darkness and the Kraken lashes out upon the two boats. As the tentacles close in on the boat Zorticus is skippering, Mack distracts the tentacles by throwing two of his healing potions into the tentacles writhing grasp. A tentacle grasps them, crushes them and throws them aside. There is another peal of lightning and the kraken surges even further out of the ocean causing a huge wake on the wave to further separate the boats. A tentacle comes crashing down. Tipsy lets out a trumpet of distress as a tentacle reaches over her back, seizes Zorticus and yanks him out of the boat and back into the wave.

The wave redoubles in size, towering up over the boats as they are pulled into the swell. It comes bearing down and a flash of blinding white light can briefly be seen before the water comes crashing down upon all of them… Blackness following a blast of thunder.

We open upon a beach. Shipwrecked and washed up upon a sandy atoll. Facedown in the sand, unconscious, classic shipwrecked victims. The storm has abated, the waves, calm, are lapping at their rag and tattered clothing. The camera pans over upon Roofer groggily regaining consciousness, spitting out sand. Mack, sprawled over Tipsy. Sollen, Chancho and Agholor are all unconscious in a tangle of arms and legs. Queen Sophia, the goat, but no Zorticus.

Zorticus, standing upon the shore. He is completely fine, standing, awake and aware he gazes out into the ocean. He turns to the camera and a blazing mark upon his forehead, as though an octopus sucker has been emblazoned upon him, flares.

Zorticus says “and that’s the end of that.” And he dusts his hands together.

The group regains consciousness and find respite from the hot sun. It’s not a tropical environment.

Queen Sophia shivers in her tattered rags and says “Where are we? Where is this?” and goat Duke Draymore shifts and reverts into a quasi-human form. The face is still hairy with a tufted beard. “I’ll tell you where we are. The bandit coast! Denizens of the most despicable, and dangerous bandits, outcasts, renegades and madmen dwell in the ruins of destroyed Regal Port. You’ve doomed us now!”
“Someone shut this bitch up. We keep doomin’ this man.” Zorticus looks at him, lifts up his head and Duke Draymore gasps.

“Ah! The mark of the Kraken!”

“Yes, yes, yes… I’ma send my kraken buddy after them. What’s kraka-lackin?”

The camera pans back upon just how far away the group is from civilization as they make their way off the beach.

Previous episode: 5E Episode 108 | 5E Episode 110
List of episodes
Table of Contents