Critjuice via the Saving Throw Show on the Twitch Channel, where the characters and players are continue 5th Edition.

Drinking God Rules:


Locations in this episode:

Jokes introduced:

Play By Play

Everyone is in attendance and Matt C. and Gary are sitting side by side so Matt can rub and fondle Gary’s lovehandles.

Brian McGrath playing Agholor a bouncer and a barbarian goliath. Goliaths are 7 and a half foot tall and Agholor is big for a Goliath. Lots of lower back hair. Agholor Plantkiller nee Manherder.

Tom Fonss playing Mack Mumbles McGumtree a rock gnome bard, drug addict idiot. He had a checkered music career and he is at the end of it. It’s not going well and he’s trying to get out of debt. It’s a problem, but he has a pink pygmy elephant who is his drinking buddy and friend. Her name is Tipsy.

Daniel Acker playing Zorticus, Americas’ favorite psychopath. He is a hermit drow sorcerer and is the cause of much dismay for everyone at the table, but he thinks he’s kind of cute. He has greenish skin with a tan.

Matt Cook, from television, a man with a plan, playing Chancho Dreeft Lightfoot Halfling Rogue Assassin. Raised by animals, he’s a jumpy little guy. He has a magic sword that makes him act like a rat, or with the tendencies of a rat. He likes cheese, startled by cats and he likes gnawing on things. Like a little bit of dough…

Gary Soldati doesn’t want to be here. He sets aside time for this and without fail gets the most abuse. He’s a fool. “guy’s night – but it’s just bookends of sweaty hands” He’s been growing his hair out for the stream circa Hanson 1993 “mmm Bop” Swearing doesn’t look good on him. He’s drinking whisky from a greek yogurt cup and has yogurt in a flask beside him. Twitch chat thinks he looks handsome, if uncomfortable. He’s playing Solen Stoneshield, a mountain dwarf Mystic. He’s trying to bring the stonescouts back. He’s a talented poet.

Matt Buccholtz playing Roofer, a wood-elf roofer. He’s very into business, he’s very business savvy and an entrepreneur if you will.

David Crennen is the DM tonight.

Drinking God Rules! (After determining Gary’s blood sugar levels and getting him out of his compression socks)

Every time they roll initiative they drink!
Every time they crit or crit fail they drink!
Every time they get or use inspiration they drink!
Every time …. They’ve forgotten the last one.

The roll for additional rules is: 3
David B. Marcheti – Thou Shall not put thine elbows on the table! Drink if you do so! (Determined that it needs to be a hard elbow and that forearms are just a gateway to elbows)
Alexandria Armstrong - A case of mistaken Identity – Drink any time someone refers to Queen Sophia as a Princess. (Including Crennen)
Paul Courvoisier – Whenever you make a saving throw you can lower the difficulty by 5 if you take a shot.
The forgotten rule is drinking on re-rolls.

Cheers! Let’s get to it. (Tom is drunk on Friendship)

It is determined that Agholor is slowly going blind from his infection and only magic can cure him.

The veils of reality are parted. It has been a while, but the stupid life dissipates around us. It seems like this is the real life, but it is not. It is just the illusion which distracts us from, the beach. It stretches out from horizon to horizon. Golden sands, a giant crescent with cerulean, azure waves crashing gently. There are exotic cries from birds within a thicket of jungle-like thickness past the beach. Every now then broken by chunks of masonry stone sticking out of sand or snarled in jungle vines.

This is all the case as far as you can see, one way down the beach or the other. Overhead are big, white fluffy clouds. Beautiful, pristine, untouched beach. It smells clean and there are large exotic fruit growing heavily from bows here and there. Animals scamper into the undergrowth as the party makes their way by.

The party trudges through the sand. Solen, sweltering in his scale mail and iron clad boots clods through the wet sand. Agholor in his sandals and loin cloth, his eyes blurry and full of pus is at least enjoying the sun.

It hasn’t been hard to get food. They’ve been stranded for less than a day. The last thing they remember is picking themselves up out of the surf after getting destroyed in the surf during the storm. In the distance there is a giant mountain and between it and the party is a pair of lighthouses on opposite sides of the bay – though they are about 100 miles away.

Duke Draymore trudges along bemoaning his fate “What the hell?” and he swats at buzzing flies. “At this rate, by the time we get back to Greyhaven the Queen’s many enemies will have already seized power. I’m sure of it!” He groans disconsolately.

Queen Sophia, formerly dressed in her Queenly regalia, nine years old, is now tattered and stained, doing the best she can.

“How are you holding up, my dear” Draymore asks her. She’s not doing great. She’s fading a little bit. “Who has that map again?” Draymore demands of the party.

One of the things that washed up on the beach next to the party was a dead Halfling. He had been punctured through the lung and out the back. It was the Halfling that was meant to be sacrificed that had been surprisingly, and sneakily killed by Zorticus without the rest of the party being aware.

On the halfling’s belongings was a leather case containing a map of the area. It is the most beautiful, well-drawn cartographer’s map of the region. This map and it’s lands were sought, measured, explored and illustrated by Marm the Mapmaker, adventurer, wanderer, chicken rider, Halfling Bard extraordinaire, sadly left to die. “and my d&d character, Austin Lee Pritchitt*”

*Austin did the Blazestone map

They have washed up somewhere on the Harpy Coast.

“I don’t know how we’re going to get back in time!” Duke Draymore moans some more “Oh god, I can see it now. The entire monarchy is collapsing around us because of !” He bites his tongue as he looks at the group.

“The immigrants!” Chancho finishes.

“You see!” Zorticus points to the rest of the group.

A high pitched screech, like the cry of a large bird of prey sounds overhead as a shadow briefly obscures the sun. There is a flash overhead of steel as they see wheeling around above them a gryphon.

It is saddled and armored and riding it is a woman, a knight. The gryphon wheels again and comes screeching down as it lands on a palm tree behind the party.

Smoothly vaulting off the gryphon in the same landing motion is a young woman, thin and svelte. Short cropped hair hides behind a broad brimmed musketeer style hat in baby blue felt with a pink ribbon. She is wearing a well-tailored doublet and is ready for action in knee high leather boots. She also carries an extremely sharp and glittering saber which comes easily to her hand as she lands and faces the party down. “Brigands! Ruffians! In the name of the Knights of the Spire I hold you in contempt of breaking the Pact of the Bay!” As she gets closer she appears to recognize the party and exclaims “You again!”
The party recalls that, at the fair outside of the castle, sometime ago they had an encounter with her when she then identified herself as a Knight of the Spire. “You’re those wanted fugitives from that poster! You’re the ones that attacked Duke Draymore!” And of course it is at that moment that she notices the Duke. “Duke Draymore!” she inhales sharply in surprise and then gasps audibly when she finally notices “Queen Sophia!” She says aghast. “What’s going on here?”

Zorticus says “There’s some talk about holding me in contempt… come on… classic!!!”

Duke Draymore exclaims heavily “Oh thank god, a knight of the Spire! You can help us! You must take me and the Queen back to Greyhaven at once. We need your aid!”

“I’m afraid that’s entirely impossible.” She puts her sword away. “You see, I’m on an important quest for the spire.”

When the group was examining the map they noticed that, on the other edge of Kraken Bay is the large mountain called The Spire. When they were in the storm, in their boats they were following a beacon, a blazing silver light. That light came from The Spire.

“Yes, we’re very well aware of the Knights of the Spire, but what could be such an important mission,” Duke Draymore says haughtily, “that you couldn’t take the Queen back to her rightful throne!”

She turned to Duke Draymore “Well, to be honest, chaos has seized the realm of the Greenwald. The Knights of the Spire have been sent to the four corners of the realm to try to bring order back. The departure, some say the death of that lich and the rise of the Kraken…” Chancho is gnawing on the edges of the rolled up map as though it were a burrito. Duke Draymore sees this, freaks out and snatches it away from him.

“Chaos has beset the land, and what’s worse, in that storm that was caused by the Kraken arising, the beacon on the spire has been extinguished. It has not happened in my generation. It is my sacred duty amongst the knights to gather the sacred flame which may re-ignite it. Our loremaster think it awaits in jungle ruins, just ahead.”

“Well, I’m afraid that is going to have to wait,” Duke Draymore says pompously, “the Queen must be returned to her throne at once! Isn’t that right, Queen Sophia.”

Queen Sophia stands there petrified, unsure of what to do as these adults bicker back and forth above her and her eyes dart towards the group for a moment.

“I mean, the spire might have some things there, where we could possibly get some more business…” Roofer says hesitantly.

The Duke continues to badger the knight. “We must be returned at once!”

“It’s impossible, my sacred duty to the flame!”

And finally the Queen speaks up, quietly “waitaminit. I haven’t really been of myself. But these six are noble warriors. Could they get the sacred flame in your stead? They did defeat that lich afterall.”

The knight’s eyes grow wide. “These six defeated the lich!?”

Roofer smiles “that’s true, perhaps you’ve heard of us?” The lady knight hands the group a small silver urn with a cap on it. With that you will be able to capture dragonfire and dragonfire is the only thing that will re-light the spire’s beacon.

As she does so she calls for her gryphon “Periwinkle to me!” Tipsy espies the gryphon and is a bit interested in a dalliance.

Roofer sees that they are hundreds of miles from the spire.

The knight looks the group over and as Periwinkle lands she says “Periwinkle is incapable of carrying more than one full grown adult, so the Duke will have to stay here. I hope you understand, but I will get the queen home as quickly as I can.”

The duke splutters indignantly “What!? Wait! You’ll leave me with them!?!” Zorticus smiles cruelly and says “oh, we’ll take good care of him, juussst fine.”

“No!” the Duke exclaims and rushes to the knight. “Everyone turn away! Everyone look away for a minute. I don’t want you to see me do this.”

Zorticus refuses and just continues to stare at the Duke. “Embarrass yourself!”

“I am not, though I look human, my heritage is… well you wouldn’t have heard of it, we are now an extinct race in this realm. Hengeyokai. Ever since the Faewild was separated from our realm I have been unable to return home. My parents died here in this mortal realm, but not before restoring on me!” He shrinks down into a billy goat. He baas angrily at Zorticus. Zorticus has been laughing throughout the entire speech and he brandishes his dagger. The billy goat prances away and up into the prince’s arms. Periwinkle lands. The knight vaults elegantly onto her back, pulling the Queen up after her.
She tips her hat and says “I am Lady Penelope. I trust we will see each other again soon. Periwinkle, away!” and with a blast of wind Periwinkle flies away.

The group travels then to the point directed to them on the map and arrive at a jungle ruin. These jungle ruins emerge from the jungle in front of them. They can see that in the back there is a cavernous hole in the ground that leads into an underground structure.

Agholor tries to figure out why his eyes are so blurry and realizes that he has sight rot. He knows that he has about 5 days before it strikes him permanently blind. Sollen realizes as well that sight rot can be cured with a rare flower called eye bright which grows in some swamps and jungles. With proficiency and an herbalism kit the flower can be turned into an ointment… and it just so happens that Zorticus has an herbalism kit.

Chancho begins to climb the ruins, acrobatically, while eating cheese. Chancho notices three harpies fluttering into view near him. He stands on the edge, the harpies were not visible from the ground. Chancho lets the group know of their presence.

Agholor sees his buddy Chancho climbing so he climbs up as well. With brute strength he pulls himself up and also espies the harpies.

Roofer makes a mad dash through the ruins and runs up a rocky escarpment towards the back corner and sees one of the harpies, her big ol’ wings and titties hanging out.

Roofer says “Hey! You! You don’t look like you’re very nice.” They hiss at him so he throws some thatch needles at them. The needles dig painfully into the harpy’s side and she shrieks and flaps her wings harder in a pained circle. Roofer throws a few more thatch needles hitting the harpy again.

The harpies leap into the air and flutter out. They open their mouths and while they have human style teeth their mouths are dripping with gore. They have lank, black hair and beating tawny wings. They begin to sing the most beautiful, and enchanting song. It seems to call to the party to come to them, to sit at their feet and listen to them. Zorticus though, is the only one who is truly enraptured and he moves to stand under the harpies to better hear their song. He stares, blissed out.

One of the harpies, seeing most of the group is unswayed comes screeching forward with her talons out towards Chancho. She strikes, but misses.

A plot point is awarded to Roofer.

A new Drinking God rule is unlocked:

MarieCGould – Cleanliness is next to Godliness – everyone drinks if anything is spilled, dropped, tipped over or some form of klutzy move.

Zorticus, shaking off the siren song, looks up underneath the harpies above him. He creates a giant ball of fire. It is a beautiful orb and it rises up to the harpy directly above him. The harpy tries to backpedal away from it but the harpy is hit and her wings ignite and she flutters around, bloodied.
Gary indicates that he doesn’t want to be here and that it stopped being fun two years ago. Which is too bad because we love and appreciate Gary.

Sollen takes off with a double move. He says “fuck!” and wings sprout out of his back. They are dragonlike wings. He surges off the ground and alights on top of the ruins. “Stoneshield!” He yells.
The harpies shriek and scream and rising up from behind them is something with the wings of a bat, the body of a tiger, but a human’s face with a heavy mane around it. Instead of one row of teeth it has two and a long and wicked looking scorpion tail with a cluster of six inch long iron spikes. “Sounds like my ex-wife!” Andrew Dice Boats

The creature whips its tail along the side of its body and starts flinging the spikes with a flick. It is a manticore. Three spikes come shooting out at Sollen and all of them pierce him brutally in the chest.

Mack, standing there with Tipsy, looks back and forth. He realizes that when you’re traveling with a pink pygmy elephant it’s like traveling with your grandma, so he begins to look around for the escalator. He doesn’t really see any stairs, but he does notice, overgrown with moss, carved into the stone and weathered with age motifs that repeat along the sides of the ruins. They seem to be scales, open mouth and billowing out of the mouths is fire. It is a dragon carved over and over. There are many pillars that appear weak and losing structural integrity. Tipsy rams into one of them with her hip and collapses one of them. Up top there is a tremor as the group above feels what Tipsy has done.
Mack listens to the harpies and says “Little pitchy…”

Chancho draws Ratfang. It leaps into his hand feeling powerful and strong. There is a sting of sharp cheddar on his lips and as the harpies look at Agholor he leaps at her critically striking. He gutters with ratfang and slashes up underneath the Harpy. It shrieks and flails wildly at him, rotting harpy guts spilling out. Chancho disengages acrobatically, sliding underneath Chancho’s legs. He lightly taps Agholor on the taint and squeaks “go get ‘em!”

Agholor steps forward and grapples the dying harpy. He then smacks her brutally with his weapon. He flips the harpy over, rolls on top and with her head between his legs he squeezes with his thighs, crushing the skull of the harpy. It dies.

The only reason the characters are rushing towards the top of the ruins is that there is a sparkling item up there that seems to be of significance. The episode ends with everyone commenting at length about how goodlooking Brian is tonight.

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