This page details Crit Juice episode 7, recorded as part of session two.

Listen to Episode 7

Drinking Gods Rules

  • Drink every milestone (every two encounters). Submitted by Abby Arcane.
  • Drink whenever you have to consult the rulebook. Submitted by Thomas R.
  • Drink whenever the players get lost in a dungeon. Submitted by VindiKShawn.
  • Finish your drink on an extended rest. Submitted by Abby Arcane.
  • Lowest initiative roll takes a drink. Seth R.
  • Special rule this session, invented by America's DM: Anytime a PC is engulfed by slime or ooze, that player will take acid damage UNLESS the players takes a drink every round.


  • Dovana
  • Arience Everstorm
  • Franklin "Wolf" Lewis
  • Doc Keratin
  • Gralford Stoneshield
  • Dar'Jjeeki
  • Tom Fonss' character, Gub
  • Princess Camellia
  • Mr. Turnale


  • the mountain pass between the site of Brennet and Blazestone
  • Drink Up, Sucka!

There were no Achievements, Crits or Crit Fails in this episode.

Princess Points

  • Dar'Jjeeki earned two Princess points this session: one for character background, one for comforting Camellia during the terror ride through the slime.


  • Gralford is not a dwarf - this one is pretty constant ("where's your tremendously large battleaxe?")
  • All of David's dwarves are Scottish. Mr. T is, effectively, the Mike Myers character "Fat Bastard."
  • "North" - all directions in Critjuice involve going north. Pelmormalleon comes from the north, inside the gelatinous cube.
  • "We all stand up!" - the group quotes "Lilies of the Field" every time someone stands up from being knocked prone.
  • "That's how Gary got his wife pregnant" - further innuendo from Daniel, this time about managing to slide into a castle doorway.

Pop or Culture References

  • TJ Hooker - US TV cop show from the 80s, starring William Shatner and Heather Locklear
  • Double Dare - a late 80s/early 90s kids game show
  • Alex Mack - the title character from "The Secret World of Alex Mack," a 90s kids TV show in which a girl is doused with experimental chemicals and gains superpowers.
  • The Karate Kid - 1984 feature film about an underdog who learns karate to beat up a bully
  • Cats - a Broadway musical that started in 1981 and is still going today in productions all over the world
  • Ghostbusters 2 - a 1989 feature film involving supernatural slime
  • Lostprophets - "A Million Miles" - a 2004 song with the lyrics "gotta gotta take control"
  • "Under the Dome" - a Stephen King novel, later turned into a TV show.
  • "Tell me about the rabbits, George!" - a quote from the 1939 film adaptation of "Of Mice and Men," and also from many Looney Tunes cartoon references to that same film.
  • Apartment living in LA - America's DM describes slime overflowing and pouring toward the party as the group is resting, and this reminds them all of real life experiences of apartment living.
  • "We all come from different places" - everyone continues to give Daniel crap about his early fascination that every one of the players hails from a different part of the country.
  • Tony Montana - the protagonist of the movie "Scarface," who apparently used a lot of glass blocks in his home. You know, because the architectural details are the number one takeaway from Oliver Stone films. The brickwork in "Platoon" was amazing.
  • Bill Paxton/Helen Hunt - two actors in the film "Twister," in which they tie themselves to a pipe to prevent themselves being swept away by a tornado.
  • Kate Winslet - English actor here referenced for her work in "Titanic," in which her character is the only one on a large door floating in the ocean, despite there being plenty of room for others who are drowning and freezing in the arctic water.
  • Hair gel - a viscous fluid used after bathing to glue hair into different pleasing shapes. Hair gel is often transparent or translucent and thus is often sold in transparent bottles. When you squeeze some out for use, some air gets sucked in, and so you quickly have various bubbles of varying size visible in the bottle.
  • Oregon Trail - an edutainment video game played by many United States school children in the 90s as part of a unit on westward expansion. In the game, you led a family traveling on the Oregon Trail, and always ended in everyone dying for any of a multitude of reasons (although dysentery was very common)
  • "Howl's Moving Castle" - a novel by Diana Wynne Jones, later adapted into an animated film by Hayao Miyazaki.
  • Knuckles - Sonic the Hedgehog's video game sidekick.

Mr. T fills up a mug of dark ale and drunkenly ribs Gralford, who shoves the drunken bastard to the floor. From the floor, he reveals that Pelmormalleon is controlling the slimes from somewhere within the gelatinous mountain. He also advises that the best way to protect oneself from slimes is from drinking (and bathing in) a lot of alcohol. Doc sells some of his Doc Keratin's whiskey to Mr. T.

Camellia goes to thank one of her two suitors for "sticking up for her in the bar" (no one knows what Dovana told her happened in The Snooty Fox, and she was too drunk to have any memory of it). Gralford confronts Dar'Jjeeki, asking if he cares about anything other than "drinking and fucking." Matt Cook goes off on a long explanation of Dar'Jjeeki's character motivations, explaining how, for the most part, everyone he ever knew or loved was killed by hunters or monsters. Gralford is silent, and Dar'Jjeeki earns a Princess Point. Arience nods in recognition, if not appreciation, of Dar'Jjeeki's game. They climb into the top an inverted tower hanging upside-down in the gelatinous ooze (so the attic, where they are, is at the very bottom). The walls are inscribed with many arcane symbols. The floor is broken into multiple slabs, ascending in a rough spiral up the interior of the tower. As they prepare for battle with whatever horror they are about to encounter, Arience gallantly invites the Princess to advise him where he should magically create an obstacle ("difficult terrain") for an enemy. She's impressed, until Dar'Jjeeki ups the ante with "Princess, let me know who you want me to fucking MURDER!" Dar'Jjeeki scans the room and winks at Camellia, who blushes slightly. Doc, Gub and Wolf leap onto the first platform. Doc confides to Camellia that Arience killed a hooker in the city, but the prince plays it off with a reference to an 80s TV show.

A variety of colored slimes appear and make the adventurers taste the rainbow. Doc is absorbed into a green slime, and Arience is absorbed into a red slime. Wolf shoots the red slimes, and they explode, bathing Arience, Gub, Dar'Jjeeki and LP with acid. Gralford desperately tries to grab Doc and rescue him from the slime, but Keratin is too slippery and he can't get a grip. Dovana proceeds to pepper the slimes with daggers. Gralford uses his shield protect Doc from a lot of the damage he would have received from all these attacks, but then the green slime floats with Doc up to the ceiling. Wolf assumes a martial snake stance and destroys the green slime with arrows, sending Doc plummeting onto a rock platform below.

Arience puts on a magical light show for Camellia, and then fulfills his promise to her by creating difficult terrain. The party continues hopping up onto platforms and fighting slimes as they float toward the ceiling. Ooze covers the floor, and begins to rise up toward them, forcing the party to continue climbing or be engulfed. Dovana nearly falls into the ooze, and then Dar'Jjeeki gracefully misses a jump and faceplants straight into the ooze, forcing Matt Cook to take a drink every round to avoid taking acid damage. Wolf shoots more slimes, dealing out a lot more acid splash damage to his allies. Gary asks about throwing his sword, forcing everyone to drink for a rulebook question. Then he flings his sword down to the ground - no one is sure what he was trying to do, but it looks cool as it comes flying back to his hand. Gub grins, and then falls into the ooze (and Gary has to drink every round, too). Dar'Jjeeki hauls himself out of the ooze at last, and uses thunderslam.

They all climb through the bottom of the tower and take a short rest to recuperate, in a large air bubble inside the vast volume of ooze. There's nothing but a broken barn lying shattered at the base of the bubble. As they finish their rest, they hear a rushing noise, as the ooze spills out of the bottom of the tower toward them. "The only way out is out!" Arience exclaims helpfully. Gralford douses himself in alcohol, but he manages to make it even more disgusting than the usual method: he takes a huge mouthful, swirls it around in his mouth long enough for it to acquire that certain piquant dwarvish aroma, and then spits it up into the air and spins around as it mists down on him. Camellia panics, and Dar'Jjeeki tries to comfort her as Arience liberally pours alcohol over her. Wizards, anthropomorphic animals, young women and lots of liquor - it's like Spring Break 98 all over again. Gralford finds a rowboat inside the barn, but it can only fit five people. Wolf turns to the soaked, reeking young beauty and says "Well, it was nice knowing you, Princess." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, Chase!" Arience retorts, being offensive, but the Princess, already a bit drunk just from the fumes, bends down and starts to talk seriously to the wolf pup. "Don't talk to Chase that way! You saved out lives back there, Chase!" The bubble begins to roll as incoming slime fills up one side of the bubble and the air pushes the slime aside, and Gralford gives up his spot on the boat for Camellia. Doc runs into the barn and finds one of the barn doors. Dar'Jjeeki transforms into his rabbit form and leaps into Camellia's booze-soaked arms. "Oooh! You're so warm!" Arience hops in with Gub, Dovana and Chase. Doc gestures to Wolf and Gralford, who then join him on the barn door. Doc steers with a pole, Gralford holds a chain on one side, while Chase worries the chain in his teeth in the boat. The wave of slime picks up both vehicles and scuds them along. Gub avoids an obstacle, but Gralford is unable to spot it in time. A part of the raft splits off and dissolves into the ooze. Wolf fails to steer the raft to avoid another boulder, and its remains split into two segments. Gralford is on his own piece of flotsam, while Doc and Wolf teeter precariously on the somewhat larger piece.

A giant pustule of gas bursts, overwhelming Camellia with the stench (and she reeks so powerfully of high-proof spirits, you gotta know it must smell bad), but Arience prestidigitates perfume into her nostrils. Not to be outdone, Dar'Jjeeki nuzzles her cheek with his fuzzy snout. Camellia interprets this as that Dar'Jjeeki created the wonderful aroma along with the sensual tickle on her flesh, and so the hengeyokai earns another Princess point.

A giant black pudding attempts to swamp the vessels, but each one manages to avoid it. Then the submerged castle rises up before them, and they have one chance to avoid being smashed on the walls: steering their vessels into the small castle gate…

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